I softened my eyes because, truthfully, I understood. It was a reach to get her to understand; however, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. This walk to my newfound liberty had everything to do with her.
“Yes, you do. It’s because of you that I even want to start down a new path. Teaghan, listen, I’ve wasted a lot of time being unsure on what the next step for me is and although I would love to stay in thisbroken and depressed state you make it so damn hard. Please, this is me begging for you to stay and help me through this.”
“How can I be sure that this won’t help you leave me in the dust? Houston this happens all the time. I care and I push the best out of you and then I hurt myself because you leave and give it to someone else. I can’t have my heart broken again. I just can’t.”
“Do this as my friend. I’m fine with that until you trust me,” I pleaded. Hesitantly, she grabbed my hand and we made the short walk with Malone to Leslie's gravesite. My chest tightened and I wanted to stop but like I knew she would, she urged me to make the final step. Standing there in silence was powerful. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t furious standing there holding a small hand in mine. Malone reached out to touch her headstone and let go of his hand so he could get closer.
“Is this momma’s grave?” he asked causing tears to meet the brink of my eyes. I thought I would feel different with him seeing her but the same way I felt since Teaghan brought up lingered. I felt selfish and less of a man. I had kept a vital part of him away.
“Yea bud, this is your momma. She would be so happy to see you now, all grown up and smart.”
“Why did she leave us?”
“Son, she didn’t want to leave but God had other plans for her and for us. She would want us to be strong and keep doing our best to be men. She loved you kid, more than life itself.”
“I remember her pasta and her smile.”
“Yea she had a smile that would drive out darkness much like yours.”
“I wish I could see her again,” he admitted. Shit, I wished I could too. One more conversation with her would give me exactly what I needed. I had no closure but again this was the point of today. Ending a part of my life with the beginning of a new one to help.
“Malone, I brought some pictures for you. You can keep them as long as you want. Ask me any questions you want. I never want you to feel like she isn’t apart of you or watching over you because she is. Everything she stood for is in you. I apologize, son, I didn’t know how to do both but I’m going to do my best to keep her memory alive for you.”
“I miss her and the kids at school pick on me because I’m differentand my mom can’t come to stuff. It makes me so mad and it makes me want to fight.”
“You aren’t different kid. Your mom not being around isn’t as different as you think. Many suffer from the loss of a parent. You just experienced yours early. But don’t you dare give people that don’t understand your struggle power over you. Until they’ve walked in your shoes they have no idea. Fighting won’t bring her back kid,” I reasoned. Malone being picked on was new to me.
“Yea but she can’t come to school stuff and the kids say mean things.”
“Malone, kids will say mean things but that doesn’t make them true. You are a gifted boy and kids are malicious. Don’t let them knock you down by getting to you. This is just a part of a greater story for you,” Teaghan chimed in.
“I’m trying but right now I just wished I had a mom,” Malone saying that broke my heart. I wished I could give him his mom back. Things would be easy, why did we have to have an expiration date? He needed someone to love him and give him the things I couldn’t. This was a part of why I steered clear of these conversations. I couldn’t make these things happen for him.
“Listen, we can come back whenever you want. Let’s go do something fun.”
Although I would have loved to stay longer and give him more time I didn’t want to overwhelm him. Slowly but surely it would make sense to him. And when it did I would be right there consoling him and giving him encouragement.
Teaghan
Arriving at the fair, I sighed. Thank God we were doing something light-hearted. The visit at the cemetery damn near drained me of all the energy I had. Watching Houston do his best to help Malone understand something that would take more than one visit to understand took the breath right from my body. My heart and soul went out to them both, both lost and trying to lean on one another.
Unfortunately, it only brought me closer to the conclusion that I needed to pull back. I couldn’t in good conscience be a part of the healing process. There was no guarantee that once healing took place, there would be a spot for me.
“Hey, you ok?” he asked as I stood off to the side as if I wasn’t a part of this family outing. Malone getting the wrong impression was my biggest concern. His smile and laugh were infectious, but his father was playing dirty in my eyes. He went from being cold to damn near coming on way too strong.
“Of course, it’s just things are moving really quickly and I’m not over what you pulled earlier. I’ve explained that I hated obligatory things and motives. I like you Houston but that should have been a private moment.”
“And I understand your opinion, but you’ve done nothingbut put yourself in our situation. And I love that about you. You saw me for way more than a widow. I apologize Teaghan, for real but you’ve done exactly what you’ve set out to do. My eyes are open and I’m ready. Be ready with me.”
I listened and only had myself to blame because he was right. From day one I forced Houston to open up to me on a deeper level than my occupation. Me being overbearing now had me in a situation that I didn’t know how to move through. I wanted to help Houston but in my own way. I guess this is where compromise came in. I didn’t want my occupation to determine the way things went. I was no psychologist. I wanted him to see me as Teaghan, the person. But somehow while talking to myself while he peered at me with those soft pleading brown eyes I knew that this was God’s will. Whether I liked it or not or understood.
“Houston fine, but from this point on you give me a choice. Don’t just throw stuff on me because you know I can’t say no. That’s unfair.”
“I apologize a thousand times. My intentions were never to force you or play on who you are. Believe that.” I nodded and we got started on the games and concessions.
For the rest of the night we played the carnival games with Malone. From the outside looking in, we looked like a normal family. Something I longed for longer than I could remember. Having a family of my own, one that I could mold to how I saw fit, kept me up at night. A family different from what I grew up in. My childhood was all about appearance; dinners with this family and this prominent person. I didn’t enjoy the simple things such as a corn dog on a stick or a silly bear to remind me of a fun night.
We were now running low on tickets so this would be the last game of the night and my feet were rejoicing. Me being super active felt like a joke after running behind Malone all night. The speakers crackled, alerting us of the start of the fireworks.