I’m a sucker for a good chai any day, though. Add some lavender or caramel, and I’m in heaven.
Brandon knows me so well. With my PMOS, caffeine tends to make my symptoms worse, so I try to cut it out as much as possible. Not everyone with it struggles the same, but my body just doesn’t tolerate caffeine very well. It makes my stomach turn in knots and my cycles become even more unbearable.
Funny enough, while chai typically has caffeine in it, ittends not to affect me as much because it’s derived from black tea leaves instead of coffee beans.
That’s what dealing with PMOS every day is like for me, being able to have certain things but not others, then having to switch it up one day because your body won’t tolerate it anymore. Needless to say, every day is a struggle when it comes to food and what I put into my body.
I take the first sip and moan in happiness at the refreshing pick-me-up.
“You are my new favorite person here. Brandon’s right. I tend to stay away from caffeine if I can help it.”
She laughs at that and takes a sip of her drink. “Well then, that’s one thing we don’t have in common. Coffee is my kryptonite. If I haven’t had my morning cup, I’m a monster.”
“You sound like my best friend Bellamy. I swear that girl runs on caffeine.”
“Sounds like my kinda girl.”
“I think you two would get along really well. And thank you for this. How much do I owe you?”
She shrugs me off. “Don’t worry about it. My treat.” She takes another sip of her own drink and smiles at me.
“No, no, I owe you for the other night.”
“Hey, I’m just glad to actually have a friendly face around here. Female friendships can be complicated and hard to come by for me. Society makes it feel like women have to compete with each other just to see who’s better, and don’t even get me started when a man gets involved.” She rolls her eyes and we both start to giggle.
I could get used to this.
I like who I’m becoming.
Therapy has helped me find myself after everything blew up, and taught me to start loving myself. While I stillhave days where I struggle to love who I am, I continue to put one foot in front of the other and hope that each move I make is the right one.
“The moment I saw you walk into the locker room on Friday, your vibe screamed good things to me. You seem like such a sweet person, and honestly, I don’t really have a lot of girlfriends either. Being the coach’s daughter kinda sucks when all the girls you think like you are only using you for their own gain.” She stares at me pointedly.
Knowing that after our conversation at the bar, I get exactly what she means.
“You’re gorgeous and with an ass like yours, I’m almost convinced to play for the other team.” She smiles at me, and that statement alone melts my walls just a little.
“Thanks, Em. It means a lot for you to say that. My body weight and size has been one of my biggest insecurities my whole life, and I’m still working through it, but I’m glad that I have you here with me.” I reach out my hand and she takes it, threading her fingers in mine and squeezing.
“I feel the same way. Now, I need the real scoop. How are you feeling about today?” I know what she’s really asking, but I'm grateful she’s giving me the room to answer on my own terms.
“As ready as I can be. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to do physical evaluations on a team, but somehow, it feels different here.”
She side-eyes me like she knows I’m deflecting, but thankfully, she lets it slide for now.
“I bet, since you’re in a new environment and surrounded by people that you have history with.”
“If you mean my brothers, that’s not going to be the hard part. But if you’re talking about a certain someone, it definitely complicates thingsa lot.”
We sit in silence as I let that reality sink in. After the disaster that Friday night was, I’m not sure what to expect when Jake walks through that door.
All I can hope for is a chance for us to talk without anger clouding our judgement.
It’s obvious that we have a lot we both want to say, and if we’re going to be working together or exist in the same circle, I think it’s time we both got to say our peace.
A huge part of me is holding out hope that maybe somewhere under the anger and resentment, he still loves me just as much as I still love him.
During my years away, I did a lot of reflecting on my life, specifically my breakup with Jake and every emotion after. It was a lot to unpack, with some good days and some bad, but I’m grateful for the reflection. Once I unpacked all of my traumas and insecurities, I realized that I rushed into our breakup and moving to L.A.