“What are you talking about, Kailyn?”
“Don’t act innocent, Jake. I know what you said about me behind my back.”
Before he has the chance to say anything else, Emilia comes walking over to my side, lacing her arm in mine. “I’m so sorry to interrupt, but I was wondering if I could borrow Kailyn for a second?”
Needing an out before I say something I’ll for sure regret, I nod my head, turning away as she leads me by the arm towards the hallway of the bathrooms.
Tears prickle at the backs of my eyes as I fight to remain calm. Jake really just stood in front of me and tried to act as if he didn’t play a part in our breakup.
“Hey, are you okay, Kailyn?” she asks, concern lacing throughout her voice.
“No, honestly, I’m ready to go home. Tonight already sucks and I kinda wish I hadn’t come in the first place,” I admit. My eyes go wide as I realize how much I just shared with a stranger.
She smiles at me, grabbing both my hands in hers and lacing our fingers. “I don’t know you or your story, but it looks like you could use a friend right now.”
Her words hit me like a sucker punch.
“I really could.” She doesn’t rush me or push for more. We just sit in silence while she gives me the space to breathe and gather myself. That alone is probably what has me spilling my guts out.
“Jake and I used to date in high school,” I start, and the weight that I’ve carried starts to lighten.
Her eyes widen slightly, but she keeps quiet.
“I fell in love with him the moment I met him. He always saw the real me, not just his best friends’ little sister. Like my size didn’t matter, and even though I have curvy hips and a rounder stomach, I was still the most beautiful woman to him.” I pause as I feel the weight of that statement hit my heart.
For my entire life, I’ve only ever been looked at for my last name. A way for people to get an in with two of the best hockey players and hottest guys in school. I was never seen for my beauty or my brains—or just for me. I was constantly compared to other girls because I was too chubby to fit in or too weird to hang out with. But Jake saw me for who I am. He loved me as I was. He never tried to change me or make me something I wasn’t.
Or at least that’s how he used to make me feel.
“I’ve struggled to make friends my entire life. Guys used me to get to my family, always stringing me along, playing with my emotions, and humiliating me when I found out they didn’t actually want me. Girls ridiculed me for my weight and my looks, preying on all of my insecurities because they hated who I was. I learned to blend into the background, keep my head down, and focus on my goals. Jake was the only man to ever make me feel seen, beautiful, and happy, until he broke me.”
Tears start to pour down my face, but I don’t stop them.
Emilia stays quiet, squeezing my hands every so often to let me know she’s listening, and that means more to me than anything she could say right now.
I’ve never told anyone the full truth about what I heard, because I was too broken to function.
My heart had been torn into a million pieces, my trust irrevocably broken over one comment made by someone I thought held my heart in their hands.
Emilia pulls me in for a hug that I melt into with everything in me. The last person to hug me, besides one of my family members, was Bellamy, and that was three months ago when she came to visit me.
Before that…I couldn’t tell anybody the last time I was hugged by someone else. I crave intimacy like this. I loved the sexual intimacy that Jake and I had, but more than that, it was the closeness that we shared. When he would hug me to his chest without a reason other than to feel me close to him. When he would let me cuddle up to him and rest my head on his chest, synching my breaths to his calming heart beat. I haven’t had that feeling in a very long time.
“Without knowing you, it sounds to me like you made a decision you thought was best in that moment. Given what you knew, you wanted to protect yourself.”
“But now I think that I made a mistake.”
“Why?” She pulls me back, so she can look me in the eyes.
“Maybe I should’ve talked to him instead of walking away. I let my traumas and insecurities cloud my trust in him, and I’ve regretted it ever since.”
“You’re here now, trying to create a life that will make you happy, right?”
I nod, because that’s exactly what I’m looking to do.
“Look, I’ve known him for about four years now, and inthat time, I’ve never seen him with any woman. When relationships are brought up, I can see the hurt in his eyes, but I can also see the small glimpses of hope in them when your name is mentioned. I can only assume it’s because he’s thinking about you. Just keep trying. Keep showing up and hopefully you can both get the answers you're looking for.”
She smiles at me as I wipe my damp cheeks, taking in what she’s saying.