Her laughter calms, and silence returns like the closing of a coffin.
Her gaze shifts to mine, now swollen with tears. “I love you so much.”
My throat works around a knot of emotion, words little more than a rasp.
“I love you too, Ma. More than anything.”
The tears teetering on the precipice finally spill as she scans my face, and I get to witness her heart break further.
For my mom, there’s no escaping my father’s ghost because I know I look just like him. If you were to look at side-by-sidephotos of us at the same age, the only way you’d be able to tell who’s who is by the style of our clothes.
Squatting down by her chair, I take her hand in mine, squeezing it.
“Why don’t we go do something for New Year’s? Even if it’s just walking on the beach... Dad wouldn’t want you doing this to yourself. He would want you tolive.”
My mother’s chin wobbles beneath the weight of her sorrow as she gives a slight shake of her head and whispers her tremulous reply. Her hand grips mine with surprising force.
“Sal, one day...”
Her mouth snaps shut, and she struggles to swallow back the sob crawling up her throat. A moment passes between us as she draws in a deep breath, and the backs of my eyes begin to burn. My jaw works furiously to push it back.
“One day, I pray to fucking God you find a love like me and your father’s because anything less just isn’t worth it. When you do, you’ll understand why finding happiness without him isn’t possible. I know I haven’t been the same. I won’t ever be, but it doesn’t have to be that way for you. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have...”
My mother chews her cheek, searching for words that aren’t there... because what do I have?
Rage.
Grief.
A burning hunger for revenge.
She and I both know my dreams of studying quantum physics have evaporated. The Feds confiscated and seized all of my parents’ assets during their investigation. Even my mother’s jewellery. The only thing they didn’t take was the wedding ring on her finger because she managed to hide it and was smart enough to replace it with a decoy.
While I did well in school, after my father’s death and my mother’s transformation into this waning shadow, my grades weren’t strong enough to qualify for a scholarship.
My mother’s grip on my hand loosens, but I tighten mine.
“I haveyou. Don’t worry. We have each other, and that’s all that matters.”
The words feel undeniablyoffas I say them. Like a tree gone hollow with decay. The trunk is still there, but it’s nothing more than a rotted-out husk, branches bare and void of verdure.
Her pained, tightening expression tells me she feels it too, along with the accompanying guilt that she’s no longer able to be the same mother I once had. Throat working, she conjures a sad, watery smile. “I’m sorry, baby. So fucking sorry.”
The stinging in my eyes heightens, lighting a fire beneath me to escape the fucking heartbreak of this moment.
Of what has become our lives.
We can’t both lose our shit. I need to be her rock. My father was the cornerstone of our lives—one I’ll never be able to replace, but I can at least be this.
Strong.
Stable.
Calm.
Standing, I press a kiss to the top of her head, even though I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin with this suffocating need to escape.
“After work, we’ll go for a walk on the beach.”