“No problem.” I stood, still feeling those freaking butterflies. I walked him to the front porch, and he picked up his bike that he rode over to the house earlier.
He then smiled up at me. “Friendship,” he said. “Two words in one. You and me. Friendship.”
My cheeks heated up as I said bye.
He sped off down the driveway, to the sidewalk, and I stood there until he disappeared around the corner.
Ellie joined me on the porch and looked in the direction that Ash was headed. “What a sweet young man,” she remarked.
I didn’t reply.
But I agreed.
Ash was the kind of sweet that could give someone a toothache. I’d be happy with a toothache if it was because of him.
That night, I took a long Epsom salt bath to try to shift some of the pain shooting through my body. It didn’t help much, but I didn’t mind. Pain was so familiar to me that I could hardly imagine a day when things would stop physically hurting.
After the bath, I lay in my bed, watching my ceiling fan spin. I couldn’t sleep because I kept replaying every single moment with Ash that day. It was so great. He was so great. I was... happy? Was I? Was this what happiness felt like? It had been such a long time since I felt something like this.
Around midnight, there was a knock at my door. I looked up to see Dad standing in the doorway.
I took off my headphones and raised an eyebrow at him.
He crossed his arms over his chest, still wearing his work suit. Sometimes, I wondered if he even changed out of work mode. I couldn’t remember the last time he looked solely like my father.
He stood there with a somber look for a while before the silence drove me bonkers.
“Can I help you?” I snapped at him. I always sounded like I had an attitude toward him. I didn’t know why I did that. I was so mean to him. I wished I wasn’t. I wished I could be nicer to him, even though he hadn’t really been there for me.
I wished we could be us again.
Or at least something more than what we were now.
“Right, yes. Uh... how was... today?” he asked. “Your time with your friend?”
“Fine.”
“Just fine?”
I wanted to tell him it was amazing. I wanted to tell him how many grapes Ash and I caught, and how I lost at Jenga, and how seeing Lorelai and Ash interact was my new favorite thing. I wanted to tell him that Ash played basketball, just like he did in high school, and maybe the two of them could play together some day. I wanted to tell him how many times I smiled today. How many times I laughed. I didn’t even know I could still laugh until Ash dragged the sound from my vocalchords. I wanted to tell him about my butterflies, and how I had nerves that I didn’t know how to deal with. I wanted to say it was the best day of my life, even though I thought I’d never have best days again. I wanted to tell him everything. Every little thing about the day I’d had. About wordlets. About little toy trucks. About Rian. About Ash. About friendship. About me.
I wanted to tell him about me so there could be an us again.
Instead, I shrugged and replied, “Yes. Fine.”
His facial expression shifted from a grimace to a frown. “OK. Well, get some sleep. You shouldn’t be up this late.”
“You shouldn’t be, either.”
He nodded. “You’re right.”
He turned to leave, and that pull in my gut kept being tugged.
Stop being stubborn, Karla. Say something.
Anything.
Anything at all.