Then I watch her knife his other hand. I lied. I am harder than granite now. Fuck.
“Let’s go,” I say abruptly, standing from the table in the small room we rent to run surveillance. “Now.”
Maksim stands and murmurs to Dima over the comms to follow.
“Are you seriously going to leave?” Kenzi darts in front of me, blocking my path.
“Yes,” I growl. I am not about to explain to her why I need to go. That seeing her sister like that is driving me to the point of madness.
“No.” She stands in front of me, arms crossed against her chest, eyes adamant. “You need to wait and own up to what you did.”
I stare down at her in fucking disbelief. Is that what she thinks I am running away from? She thinks I feel guilty about leading Ava to believe I am dead? Or that I don’t want to face her wrath?
The woman couldn’t be more wrong.
It has nothing to do with either of those things.
What I don’t want to face is the one thing I have always refused to.
My feelings for her.
My love for Ava borders on possession and obsession. The more I fall for her, the harder it is to keep control of the animal inside me. I don’t call her Little Red for no reason. I am the Big Bad Wolf, and I want to devour her.
Every. Single. Inch.
But the more obsessed I become with my love for her, the more I am afraid of losing her. Not her love, but her life. Every woman I have truly cared about either died at the hands of an enemy or at my hands for betraying me.
The deeper I fall, the deeper the wound will be if either of those two things come to pass. I know I have to face my fear of that, but it is often simpler to ignore it. I want Ava, there is no doubt in that. And I love her but showing her that love gives her access to a vulnerability I am not ready to exploit.
“You’re scared,” Kenzi taunts me. “It’s written all over your face.”
“Easy,malen’kiy ubiytsa,” Andrei cautions. Even he can see how thin the rope is and that it is about to snap.
“Why?” she snarls. “My sister loves you. Even now, in your death, and you can’t muster up the balls to face her. Why? Huh? What are you so afraid of?”
“Don’t push me, Kenzi.” My face darkens as I stare down at her.
“I’m not afraid of you, Matthias,” she sneers. “I stopped being afraid a long time ago. You don’t want to face her? Fine. I’ll do it for both of us.”
“Shit,” Maksim curses. He reaches out to grab her the moment he sees her body shift into gear, but he is too late. She is a slippery assassin, that’s for sure.
“Damnit.” Running a hand through my lengthening hair, I tilt my head back and close my eyes. “Fuck.”
Deep breaths, I coach myself, deep breaths.
“She’s right though,” Andrei speaks up from beside me. “Not about you being afraid of her rage, but you do need to face her.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Andrei smiles sadly. “You’re afraid your love for her will ruin you both.” His eyes brim with sadness and loss. “You’ve been hurt time and time again. I can see that. I know that. But you can’t hide behind that wall forever, Matthias. At some point in time, it’s going to have to crumble. Give yourself the chance to truly love her because if you don’t—you’ll lose her for good and it won’t be to death.”
His hand clamps on my shoulder and squeezes.
“Think about that,moy syn.” Then he leaves.
Moy syn.
My son.