He ran his fingers through his hair, and I had to stop myself from running to him and wrapping my body around him. I was afraid he might reject me if I tried to soothe him.
“It’s not what you think," I stated lamely.
I wanted to say something to remove the pain from his face. His eyes snapped open, the blue more prominent with the anger swirling within them.
“Damn it, Faith." Even though his reply was whispered, it made me flinch.
“I didn’t want to tell my dad. I was afraid he would make me come home or press charges on Jason.”
His jaw clenched, and my stomach constricted painfully.
“You could’ve told him you broke up. You didn’t have to tell him all the details, even though I think you should.”
I stood, wanting to be at my full height for the battle we were entering into. “I can’t tell him. I don’t want him to think of me as pathetic for staying in an abusive relationship for as long as I did. He's always so worried about me. I can’t have him worrying more. I don’t want him to have another stroke,” I seethed. The anger heated my words striking him with more force.
“Or is it because you want a way back in when you decide to go back to Jason? Why tell your dad you broke up if there's a possibility it's only temporary right, Faith? Is that why you wanted to keep us a secret from the guys? You need to grow up and face your past.”
It wasn’t lost on me that he called me by my name instead of Slick. I was too pissed off that he’d implied I would eventually go running back to Jason that I didn't care what he called me.
“I. Am. Not. Her. You know I would never go back to him. Stop with the lame excuses,” I yelled. I got into his face, wanting to drive my point home.
"I will if you will," he taunted.
“It has nothing to do with me going back to Jason. I'll never put myself in a situation like that again. It has everything to do with protecting my dad, and you're an idiot, because you know that, Killian. You can't just order me around. You told me you would give me time. You told me you wouldn't push, but that's what you're doing right now.” I stuck my finger into his chest, poking it hard wanting to bury my words inside his body until it was all he knew.
He took my finger off his chest and looked down at our hands. “I can’t do this, Faith.”
Tears started to flood my eyes at his admission. It took everything I had not to let them fall. He watched our fingers, refusing to look me in the eye.
“I can’t let you into my heart if you aren’t willing to tell people about us. I'm not in high school anymore. I don't want to play games and hide what we're doing. If you have to pretend, then there's no point. I thought I could be patient with you. I knew it was going to take a lot for you to break away from the thoughts in your head, but it hurts too much.”
My strength escaped me, physically manifesting itself in the tears tracking down my face. There was nothing I could say to convince him I’d been hiding the secret of us for a good reason; he had already made up his mind.
“I just need more time,” I said, even though I knew it was useless. I still felt the need to try and explain. But really, time was already slipping away from us.
His eyes finally connected with mine. Using his free hand, he brushed the tears from my face.
“It's not just that. You're hiding us from everyone, and I can't do it. I won't be in a relationship with someone who's ashamed of us. Of someone who has no confidence in what we have. I’m sorry, Faith.”
He leaned down and kissed my forehead, before leaving me in the middle of my room with tears racing down my cheeks. When my door closed, I was faced with my reflection. The mirror hanging on my door mocked my pain. I stared at myself until I couldn’t stand the sight any longer, and then collapsed on my bed.
My defense mechanism kicked in, and red-hot, acidic anger surged through my body. I allowed the emotion to take over. Anger was easier to handle than the utter heartbreak I was currently feeling. I was furious that Jason was still ruining my life. I was pissed that Kill didn’t have enough trust in me, and I was irate that I’d allowed myself to get into this position in the first place.
Because I had to get to work, the time constraint on my pity party kept me from falling into a full-blown depression. I got up, grabbing a handful of Tums before heading into the bathroom for damage control.
The red rings around my eyes made it obvious I’d been crying, and there wasn’t much I could do about it. Donning my sunglasses, I headed downstairs, wanting to avoid all questions about my current state.
Jet and Van were playing a heated video game while Amy played on her phone, allowing me to get to the front door without being acknowledged. Kill was nowhere to be seen, and my heart squeezed painfully at his absence. My conscience swirled through my head on my way to work, telling me it wouldn’t have lasted between us anyway.
I also reminded myself that I had made it through much worse, and that the pain in my heart would heal eventually. My heart laughed the rest of the drive at that little wisdom nugget.