“How about I open a bottle of wine,” he says finally, his voice gentler now, like he’s grasping for something—anything—to ease the tension thickening between us. “We can sit on the patio and watch the sun go down.”
“That sounds great,” I whisper. “Thank you.”
He walks over to a sleek wine refrigerator tucked into the cabinetry and pulls out a bottle of red. A wine refrigerator. Collins has a wine refrigerator. Ten years ago, he was drinking cheap beer on the tailgate of his truck.
Pouring two glasses, he walks to the large sliding doors and opens one for me.
“After you.”
Cool evening air hits my skin as I step outside. The patio stretches wide across the back of the house, beautiful stone beneath my feet and the lake opening out beyond us.
I settle into one of the black Adirondack chairs facing the water while Collins moves around behind me, busying himselfwith quiet tasks. Heat lamps click on with a soft hum. Then he kneels beside a stone fireplace in the center of the patio and starts a fire, the flames catching slowly before rising into warm, flickering light.
The sun hangs low over the water, its golden glow kissing the horizon. The surface of the water is so still tonight it almost looks unreal, the reflection of the sky perfectly mirrored.
It’s peaceful. More peaceful than anything I deserve. Uneasiness coils tighter in my stomach as Collins finally lowers himself into the chair beside me, resting one ankle over his knee and fire dancing across his face.
I take a slow sip of wine and clear my throat.
It’s now or never.
“You’re right,” I say quietly. “I was pregnant.”
The words fall sharply into the space between us.
“When I met Greg, like I told you before…I was really trying. Trying to move on with my life. Trying to forget you.” My fingers tighten around the stem of the glass. “Trying to convince myself you were better off without me. Tired of working odd jobs for little pay, I finally got up the nerve to try my hand at my dream job. I wanted to work with the animals at the aquarium. San Antonio has a well-known aquatic park with dolphins, orcas, all the animals that made my heart happy, and I was so close to them, it just made sense to try getting my foot in the door.”
“You and your dolphins, this isn’t surprising,” he says with a genuine smile.
“So, I walked in there and basically told them I was willing to fill any position they had available. If I could go to work and see those precious creatures every day, it wouldn’t matter what I was doing. Greg ended up being the manager in the department I got hired in at. He was working there while finishing up nursing school.”
I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye, so I tell my story to the sky. “I told you he was a good man. And he was—he is.” I swallow. “We hadn’t been dating very long when I started feeling nauseous all the time. I finally decided to take a test.”
I can still see it.
“That little stick sitting on the bathroom counter felt like it took hours.” My voice shakes. “I was so nervous waiting for it to saypregnantornot pregnant.”
My throat tightens.
“When it finally showed positive…every single thought I should’ve been having just…wasn’t there.”
I pause, forcing air into my lungs.
“All I could think about was you. About how this was supposed to be us. Our life.” My eyes burn.
“But it wasn’t.”
Guilt twists through my chest.
“I let myself be happy about the baby. And I was happy. Truly. It was…incredible to think I had created another life. Maybe God didn’t hate me after all.”
My voice cracks.
“Eventually, Greg asked me to marry him. And I said yes. It felt like the right thing to do. Or at least…I convinced myself it was.”
The fire pops softly beside us.
“Our second ultrasound appointment…he took off work to come with me.” My fingers tremble slightly around the glass. “I was so excited. The first ultrasound was nothing resembling a baby, so I was anxious to see the changes.”