She smiled. “I’m fine. They’re fine.”
“I didn’t mean to get rough.”
She pressed her palm flat against my chest. Right over my heart. My hand closed over hers. I felt like I was losing something. Her. My home. The future I had always imagined Iwould have in Texas. Every heartbeat signaled something else slipping away.
“You okay?” she asked softly.
I forced myself to shake off the sadness. “I am. You’re the one that just got smashed into a rock.”
She laughed. “I’ve had waves slam me harder against rocks and the sand. I’ll survive.”
I kissed her, trying to tell myself it wasn’t a goodbye but I felt it in my soul. I was going to lose and I was going to lose big.
CHAPTER 41
SUMMER
Icould see it in his face. The war he was fighting behind his eyes, the way his jaw worked like he was chewing on something he couldn’t swallow. He was trying to hide it and doing a terrible job. I loved him too much to pretend I didn’t see every single bit of it. It broke my heart that he was struggling. I didn’t want him to feel any kind of sadness or pain.
I kissed him. Just a press of my lips against his, my hand sliding into his hair. Our naked bodies pressed against each other. Being naked with him was amazing. Being naked outside was a million times better. It was freeing. His heart was beating too fast against my chest. I felt it and said nothing about it.
“We should get dressed,” he said. “I think we’ve pushed our luck long enough. I don’t want to be the star of the next sex tape.”
I laughed. “You’d look damn good in it.”
We found our suits in the grass and got dressed without much ceremony. He helped me back into the bikini top, even though I’d been dressing myself for twenty-five years. His fingers brushed my shoulders and just happened to slide down my spine. I let him because I could tell he needed to. I turnedaround when he was done and looked up at him in the near dark and managed something close to a smile.
“Come on,” I said. “Let’s head back.”
We paddled in silence. The last of the light had gone entirely by the time we rounded back toward the familiar stretch of beach. The houses were lit up along the shore. The distance between them had never felt so loaded.
I stopped paddling when the water was still deep enough to float. He came up beside me and we both sat up on our boards without having to say we were doing it. The ocean rocked us gently. I could hear the bonfire crowd somewhere far down the beach, faint music and laughter. A different world.
I straddled my board and faced him.
He was looking at the shore. At the houses. I watched his profile and felt the bad feeling settle heavier in my stomach, the one that had been sitting there for too long. I had felt the change in him since I felt his forehead drop to the back of my neck like a man saying goodbye. I knew that feeling. I had felt it before, a long time ago. My mind recognized the feeling. It was the anticipation of impact.
“Colt.”
He looked at me.
I took a breath and let it out slowly through my nose. I was glad it was dark, the moon only a sliver. It gave me the shield I needed to say what I needed to. The words were going to be painful, but it didn’t make them any less true.
“It’s okay,” I said. “If you can’t stay.”
He went very still on his board.
“I mean it.” My voice came out steadier than I thought I could muster. “I’ve been thinking about it since the bonfire. Since I asked you. And I’ve been watching you carry it around like it’s something you did wrong, and it’s not.” I pushed my wet hair back from my face. “Texas is your home. The ranch, yourparents, your brothers, everything you’ve built there. Your whole life is there, Colt. I know that. I’ve always known that.”
The muscle in his jaw moved. He was gripping the edges of his board.
“I’m not asking you to choose,” I said. “I shouldn’t have put it on you the way I did at the bonfire. That wasn’t fair.”
“Summer.” His voice revealed just how wrecked he was. I hated that I had done that to him.
“I’m serious,” I said. “I just wanted you to know that I understand. I do. And whatever you decide, I’m good. I’ll be fine. I’ve always known what this is. I’ll have my feelings and I’m going to be okay with them.”
He exhaled, his strong shoulders dropping forward.