Josh:A lot slower than his one at the Olympics.
Me:Shame.
I put my phone away and focus on the party around me. A burst of laughter ripples from the kitchen, and I follow the noise to find someone cutting slices of a huge chocolate cake. Soon I have a giant portion perched precariously on my plate, thoughts of swimming pools forgotten.
Chapter 39
Twenty-two years old
Sam
Edinburgh in August is surprisingly sunny. I’m not sure why I expected it to be cold. I’m just so used to it being cool when I come back to the UK that even a glimmer of sun feels like a shock to the system. The city is beautiful too. All cobbled streets and huge buildings. Old castles and quaint shops. Kath would love it here.
I kick myself.You don’t get to think about her.
The city’s also incredibly full of tourists. I’d forgotten about the Fringe. No wonder my dad found it so hard to get accommodation to watch me swim.
“You did really well,” Dad says as we sit down for breakfast on the morning of our day of planned sightseeing.
“Not really.” I survey the menu carefully. What do I want to eat? What has enough protein in it? I did a workout this morning in the hotel before meeting him. Not that he knows that. And not that I’d tell the coaches either. Definitely not on their approved plan.
“Not winning a gold in an individual event doesn’t make it a bad meet,” my dad tells me, not yet picking up his own menu. “You know that, right?”
“Everyone expects me to win golds.” I don’t look up, continuing to contemplate the options.
“Well, that’s on them, not on you. If I told you aged ten that you would have won two silver medals and a bronze at a European Championship, you’d have been ecstatic. Itisphenomenal, Sam.”
I make a non-committal sound as the waiter comes over and I order myself a tea. I never used to be a big tea drinker, but since being in Florida, I’ve started drinking decaf tea almost religiously. Maybe it’s something to do with reminding me of home. Austin would definitely be psychoanalysing my thoughts right now.
“Your mum loved decaf tea,” Dad tells me as the waiter leaves. “Used to drink buckets of the stuff.”
OK. Austin would be having a field day.
“I remember,” I mumble. “How’s work? What have you been up to?”
He looks at me a few moments longer before accepting my change of topic. As we eat he tells me about some of the new junior officers he works with, the changing structure of the force, their constant battles to try and improve the carpet in their break room.
“I saw the Fords for dinner last week,” he tells me.
“Sounds fun.”
I don’t trust myself to say anything else. I’m equal parts desperate to know about what they’re up to, but I also don’t want to talk about them. We lapse back into silence.
“Kath’s well,” my dad tells me after he finishes his eggs. He’s looking at me carefully again. As though I might bolt.
“Good.” I pour another cup of tea. The cobblestones outside the café suddenly become even more fascinating. As does that very intense pigeon drama happening by the bins. One of them might be planning a coup.
“She’s in her last year of university now. Wants to come back to London when she qualifies,” Dad continues.
“That would be nice.”
I pull out my phone to get a map up. Distraction is key.
“She has a boyfriend. A guy called Theo. Another medic. I haven’t met him, but Sue says he’s lovely.”
I freeze. I didn’t know that. Josh never brought it up.
You wanted this, I remind myself, even as my hand clenches painfully around my phone. This is exactly why you don’t speak anymore. Because you wanted her to get to live her own life. And another medic. Perfect for her. Probably just as high achieving. Not someone who can’t even win, can’t even show all the people who sacrificed things for him that he was worth those sacrifices.