My mind is spinning. It’s so odd to think that in two months I won’t see Sam every day. He’s been a daily presence in my life for the last seven years. Since his mum got ill, I’ve been driving him to and from swimming practice, and taking him to weekend meets when his dad was busy with work. I’ve become used to our new routine, and I don’t want to let it go.
I haven’t told him one of the other things that I’m really nervous about. I’ve been thinking of talking to him about it for weeks, but keep wimping out at the last minute. Maybe today should be the day.
“Can I ask you something really weird?” I say to him finally.
“Sure.” His eyes are shut again, face turned towards the sun. “Do I need to be worried? Is this, like, a truth-or-dare situation? Because I distinctly remember doing dares at your Nan’s one summer, and it didn’t end well.”
His expression makes me chuckle.
“No.” I inhale and decide to go for it before I chicken out again. “Will you have sex with me?”
He chokes. “Sorry— what?” he splutters, looking distinctly less relaxed than a minute ago.
I roll over to face him, propping myself on my elbows as he sits up, slightly red. “Will you have sex with me?”
He stares at me. I think I broke him.
I keep going before I lose my nerve. “I want to have sex before I go to university. Otherwise, it’s just going to feel like this… thing hanging over my head. And it’s making me really nervous. I’d rather it be you.”
He blinks. “Kath, you don’t need to have sex before university.”
Picking at a stray thread on the blanket, I try to work out what to say. The sun dips behind a cloud and the temperature noticeably drops.
“Loads of people haven’t had sex before university.” His voice is quieter now.
I want to make him understand that I don’t want my first time to be pressured and awkward. Or with someone a stranger. I’d like it with someone I know in a place where I feel safe. I never slept with Bobbie, even though he wanted to. He was so pushy that it put me off dating anyone else and now I’m nervous that my last experiences were all with someone who made me feel bad about myself. I don’t want to arrive at university worrying about this alongside all the other things that already make me anxious.
“Yeah, but I get so nervous about these things. Remember when I headbutted Paul when he tried to kiss me when we were fifteen? What if I do something like that but accidentally knee someone in the balls in the midst of a romantic moment?” I ask him.
His ears flush pink. “Wow. You aren’t exactly selling this to me.” He grabs the water bottle, flipping the lid off and spilling some of it on his shorts.
“Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it a lot,” I tell him quietly, and Sam coughs as he tries to take a sip of water. “Not sex with you… I just mean in general. I spent so long waiting to have sex with a long-term boyfriend, like in all the films. And obviously that didn’t happen and now I’m just really stressed about the whole thing.”
“Still not selling it,” he says. “Kath, if this is how you proposition people, I don’t think you’ll be having sex with anyone for a while.”
I smack him with my book.
“Ouch, I was just teasing!” he says.
“And I’m being serious.” I sit up straighter. “I’ve been thinking about it. I want to do this. But, I do understand if you don’t want to. Really. I don’t mind if you think it’s a terrible idea. Or… if it’smethat you don’t want to do—”
“I’m being serious too,” he cuts me off, taking my book and forcing me to look him in the eye. “You shouldn’t do something just because you feel pressured to do it. If you want to wait, just wait. You’re only eighteen… there isn’t any rush.”
“Says you, who had sex with an Olympic athlete aged sixteen,” I tease and he frowns. His expression suddenly looks more shuttered.
“Well, I regret that. I wasn’t ready when I first did it. Don’t waste an experience just because you feel that you have to do it.”
“I’m completely serious, Sam.” I tug my book back, trying not to analyse how our hands touch. “I really want to do this. And I do love you—as a friend. I trust you completely. I think it could actually be fun. We’ve watched all these movies about friends with benefits. That could be us until you leave.”
I want something easy and fun. Something I don’t have to be nervous about. I want Sam. And he’s safe because I know that he doesn’t do relationships, and he doesn’t docomplicated. There’s no risk with him. No worries about labels and feeling small and insignificant like I did with Bobbie. We’re friends. Best friends. It’s the one constant I’ve always had.
“Are you sure?” He looks over at me, twisting his hands in his lap.
“I’m completely sure,” I tell him. “I’m around for the rest of the summer, because I’m not visiting Nan this year. And I take you to and from training most days anyway, so our schedules barely have to change.”
My stomach suddenly drops. Maybe he just doesn’t see me like that. It’s not about logistics, it’s about want.
“If you don’t find me attractive, I get it.” I force a shrug that’s attempting to look casual, but I think it fails.