I’m almost out the door when he calls me back.
“Ari?”
“Yeah, Dad?”
He glances down. “Drive safe.”
I can hear theI love youunder his words, but I don’t press him. I said my piece, and this will have to do. “I will.”
Then I go back out to the cold.
Forty-Nine
February is the shortest and longest month on the calendar. It’s been over four months since I left Seoul, and my life has been turned around. Alex’s second music tour sold out in a day. I’m now creating the K-pop tour because he’s on board to do a whole music series in conjunction with local artists in different cities. Ines asked me to do on-the-ground negotiations for her luxury travel again when the other guy quit, and this time I jumped at it. I can finally experience everything I’ve put off. Phoebe and I made tentative plans to travel together and meet someone she knows in Malta who might be a good connection.
In summary, I have a lot to do, but instead of doing any of it, I’m rereading the emails Jihoon sent me. For the hundredth time, I wonder if I should write back. What would I say?
I’m not sure. Phoebe and Hana were correct—Jihoon was a man struggling to do the right thing. I even have new sympathy for him. He spent his career working with StarLune and putting them first. Protecting his members was his default. I even get why he wanted to lie about who I was. Safety and timing were good reasons, but I was too hurt to see it then, and I’m too stuck to do anything about it now.
I tuck my legs under me and huddle under a fuzzy blanket. I wish all this soul-searching had resulted in me being able to leave thosefeelings behind, but the twistiness in my heart is enough to tell me what I wish weren’t true: the pain hasn’t gone away because I am very much in love with Jihoon.
Ugh.Come on, brain, do your job. Reason this feeling out of existence and let me live my life, I beg of you.
I give my brain a count of five to take some action. Nothing.
I twist the coin in my pocket before I pull it out to toss lightly in my hand. I need to make a decision, but I’m not even sure what the question is. What would be heads, and what choice would be tails?
I throw the coin in the air and grab it in my fist, staring at my knuckles.
Then I tuck the coin in my pocket without looking. It doesn’t really matter, after all. The moment the coin flipped in the air, I knew what I wanted because it hasn’t changed.
After all this, I want Jihoon back. I want us.
I check the email, and there’s a new message.
Ari—I wrote a song. It was the first song I wrote where I could write the music I wanted. Daehyun is tired of hiding as well, and this time we stood up to the company. The others came with us for support but I never would have had the nerve had it not been for you. Thank you for this gift.
There was a mural in the alley you took me to with a tiger flower. I think of it often because that was the true image of my life, the desire to be loved, but intimately and not on the world stage. I wish you could hear this song but I don’t think I’ll see you. You never reply to these messages and they only drag out the pain.
I won’t be checking this email again. Goodbye, Ari.
Panic. Sheer panic. I don’t know why I thought Jihoon’s one-sided emails would continue forever, but I did. I read it again, and knowing he’ll never see my answer gives me a sense of liberation.
This time, I click reply.
Jihoon, I hope this email finds you well.
I make a face.
Hi Jihoon!
No, oh my God.
Dear Jihoon: With regards to your last email.
I bang my head against the back of the couch.
Then I take a deep breath and start typing.