“It’s admirable what you’re doing with school. You have a dream and you’re chasing it. And you have good reasons for pursuing it. You were dealt a shitty hand in this life, and you want to use that and channel it into making other people’s lives better. That’samazing, Abby.”
“And yet I still allow Dad to call and text me every day to tell me what a fuckup I am.”
“Do you know what I think?”
I wince. “Do I want to hear this?”
“Maybe not,” he says with a shrug. “But I think you need to.”
“By all means.”
Ian places a hand on my knee, squeezing it gently. “I think you allow our father to do these things because you actuallybelieveall the bullshit he says about you. I think you still blame yourself for everything that happened to him and to me, that you somehow think you’re responsible for all the shitty things that we’ve dealt with over the years.”
My voice is small when I answer, “And aren’t I?”
“No,” Ian stresses. “You aren’t. You were just a kid when that shit came out about me. Just a lonely kid who needed someone to be there for her. I’m never going to forgive myself for not being there for you more back then.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I mutter.
“Then it wasn’tyourseither,” he counters.
“It just feels like if I wasn’t around…all of your lives would have been better.”
“Listen to me, Abby.” Ian’s hands come to cup my shoulders, turning me toward him. “You are smart and kind and caring, and you make all of our livesbetterby being in them. I don’t want you to doubt that for a single second. I’m sorry that I don’t tell you this more often, but I’mgladthat you’re in my life. I’m glad that we found each other, even if the circumstances are a little off. I want you at my wedding. I want you to be in Kyle’s life when he comes home to us. I want you to be an aunt to any other kids we have along the way. I want you there for birthdays and Christmas. I just want youaround, do you understand? I don’t regret meeting you for one second, and I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel otherwise.”
I can feel my eyes leaking fully now, a choked sob catching in my throat.
“And if this thing with Jack is anything serious,” Ian goes on, “then he would be damned lucky to have someone like you in his life, you hear me? Jack is smarter than he pretends to be. I think he would probably tell you that himself if he had the chance.”
“But he needed me,” I sob. “He needed me, and I just left him.”
“You’re only human, Abby,” Ian says, pulling me into a hug. “You’re allowed to have knee-jerk reactions. He said some hurtful shit, and that affected you. He’ll have to own up to that. But I know Jack. I know he wouldn’t hold it against you. He probably feels as shitty as you do right now.”
I’m not so sure about that, but I find myself nodding into his tearstained shirt just the same.
“I care about him a lot,” I admit quietly. “I might even—”
“Don’t say it,” Ian groans. “Jack was right about this part at least. It’s fucking weird.”
A watery laugh escapes me. “I have a feeling that he would thoroughly enjoy this conversation.”
“Oh, I have no doubt.” He pulls back to look at me. “Do you feel any better?”
“Maybe a little.”
“Well, you’re the one studying to be a shrink, not me. I can only work with what I’ve got.”
Another chuckle tumbles past my lips, and I use the heel of my hand to wipe the tears away from my eyes. “God. I think I need some air.”
“Want me to come with you?”
I shake my head. “No. I think…I just need to take a walk or something. Clear my head and figure out what I want to do next.”
“Okay.” Ian nods back at me. “But if you need me, I’m right here. You know that, right?”
My lips curl into a grin, and I feel a swelling in my chest that, for a moment, relieves the tension there. “I know.”
Ian drags me back for another tight hug. “I love you, kid.”