“You’re my big brother, to start with,” she says seriously. “And yeah, you’ve always been there to make me laugh, but you’re also the guy who taught himself how to French braid when I said I wanted my hair that way. You’re the guy that drove me to prom. You’re the guy that threatened to beat up Tommy Dalton when you caught us kissing in my room.”
“What’s your point?”
“My point is…I think for a long time you were more of a parent to me than ours ever got to be. You let yourself fall into that role—and don’t get me wrong, I’m so fucking grateful for you—but I think it messed with your head. I think now that we’re grown up…you feel like hockey is all you have because I don’t need you that way anymore.” She reaches to squeeze my knee. “But that doesn’t mean I don’tneedyou.”
I consider what she’s saying, trying to reconcile her words with the way I’m feeling. Ihavefelt for a long time since Dee grew up that there was something missing in my life, but I’ve put that energy into the one thing I was still good at. The one thing that I might lose now.
“Maybe it did feel a little like I lost you there for a while. I mean, everything that happened with you and Ian…It kind ofkilled me that you didn’t come to me and tell me about it first. We used to tell each other everything.”
“Should I call you the pot or the kettle in this situation?”
“That’s different,” I argue. “I had to consider Abby’s feelings.”
“And you didn’t think I had Ian’s feelings to consider too? Everything was so new, and I was so fucking scared, Jack. I was scared that all of it was going to blow up in my face at any second. It’s terrifying falling in love, let me tell you.”
My heart gives a heavy thump beneath my ribs, her words echoing in my head.
It’s terrifying falling in love.
I stare down at my knees as my lips part in surprise, my eyes widening as the thought settles deep down inside me. Because sure, I’ve known for a little while that I’ve been developing feelings for Abby—but am Iin lovewith her?
Dee pats my back. “Seems you might know a thing or two about what I’m saying.”
“I can’t,” I manage. “It’s too soon.”
“That’s the funny thing about love. It doesn’t really work on anyone’s schedule. It kicks the door open and makes itself at home, whether you like it or not.”
“I don’t know if it would even matter,” I mutter. “It’s not like she could ever feel the same about me.”
“And why not?”
“I mean, look at me,” I scoff. “I’m about to be a nobody. Just some washed-up has-been. She’s just about to start her life, and mine’s practically over.”
“Do you think maybe you said those things to Abby last night because you’re afraid?”
“Afraid?”
“If you really think that—that your life is practically over—do you think there’s a possibility that you inadvertently pushed her away because you think you don’t deserve her?”
I make a face. “Abby is supposed to be the shrink in this family.”
“Call it a woman’s intuition.”
“I…” I scrub a hand down my face. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Well,ifthat were the case,” Dee says, “I would have to inform you that you really might be a bit of an idiot.”
“Way to kick me when I’m down.”
“I just mean…Fuck, Jack. You’re silly and you drive me bonkers sometimes, but you’re also the best man I know.”
“Besides Ian, you mean,” I grumble.
Dee laughs. “It’s very close. You’re the guy that’s always thinking about how to make someone else happy. The guy that would drop anything at a moment’s notice if I said I needed him. You’re agoodguy, despite the front you like to put on. Anyone would be lucky to have you, hockey or no.”
“But the things I said to her…”
“You apologize. You grovel, if you have to, but you make sure she knows you didn’t mean it.”