There’s a moment of silence where I just nod, appreciating them sharing their experiences without pushing it onto me.
‘So, you gonna tell us what’s happened with Honey?’ Wolfman asks, offering me an apologetic smile.
The problem is my friends are right. It’s the one thing our world seems to have lagged in, especially in these small towns—getting us guys to say how we feel. To speak our mind without fear that we’ll be judged, when we’ve been raised to lock our emotions away, to run when it gets hard. That’s what us cowboys are known for.
And I did exactly that with Honey.
It’s laughable, really. Here I am, Sawyer Nash, supposedly the cowboy with no fear, yet I’m drowning in it. My body screams at me every day to go back to Honey and Noah, but I’m too paralysed with fear that if I do, they’ll only push me away again, having seen the truth of how broken I am. I’m suffocating under the weight of wanting to talk to my friends about everything that’s happened with Honey and Noah—yet I’m terrified of their judgement. That they’ll see me for who I truly am. Or worse—they’ll just brush off my concerns like it’s nothing, when it’severythingto me.
But if I can ride a beast of a bull for eight seconds while it tries like hell to throw me off—hell, if I can get thrown off and have my leg snapped by its goddamn hooves—then I can do this.
I can find the courage to talk.
So, I take a swig of my beer and settle back into the couch as I try to ignore my heart pumping, and admit to my friends, ‘I fell in love with Honey Goldman in senior year, lost my virginity to her, and then she got scared and ran away. She’s the only person I’ve ever loved, and I’m terrified that I’m not enough for her.’
They all stare anywhere but me for a few beats, absorbing the information and I wait in the crippling silence.
It’s Duke that speaks first, his dark eyes softening as he says, ‘Thanks for telling us, Sawyer. I bet that’s been hard to keep inside all these years.’
‘Wait, Noah’s notyourkid, right?’ Wolfman asks.
‘Do the math, dumbass,’ Wyatt scolds him, slapping him on the back of the head, and we all laugh. Not the kind of laughter that lasts for ages but enough to signal this is a safe zone. That these are my best friends who I share years of memories with. Who have been there with me through thick and thin, even if they didn’t realise how tough some of those times were for me.
‘No, he’s not,’ I lament. ‘But I wish he was.’
Duke rests his arms on the back of the couch and reaches along to squeeze my shoulder again, his hand staying there should he need to comfort me again and I appreciate it all too much.
I continue, ‘I know I’ve never fully explained what went on with my dad, but I think y’all figured it out pretty quickly. It’s not my place to say, but Honey and I bonded over that. She … understood things about my life, the fear I carried with me, that no one else could. She made me feel strong, safe, when everything seemed so dark.’ I let out a half-hearted laugh as I add on, ‘She still does.’
The guys all give me an understanding nod then, their eyes hardening. The small moment of silence that follows gives me a second to pluck up that same bravery I use on the back of a bull and admit what I’ve done.
‘I fucked up, though … I shouted and Noah ran off and got hurt and it’s my fault, and I … I feel like it was just waiting to happen. I was waiting to fuck up. I want to be the man she needs so badly. I want to be a good dad—or step-dad—to Noah, but then his real dad was over and saying all the ways I wasn’t good enough for his family and I …’ My hand trembles as I rake it through my hair, remembering the pain in Noah’s eyes, in his wails. ‘I got angry.’
‘So, you made a mistake—that doesn’t mean it’s over,’ Duke tries to rationalise.
Still, my stomach twists. ‘But all I’ve done is prove everyone right. That I’m not the stable guy Honey needs.’
‘If she didn’t think you were capable, she wouldn’t have stayed all this time,’ Wyatt offers. ‘You know she’s been hanging out with Rory more recently, and I overhear stuff. Heard her talking the other week about looking for a new place so she didn’t overwhelm you with the kid and all that family stuff, even though she wanted nothing more than to stay. Said Lucky Star felt too much like home already.’
Well, now I feel like an idiot for getting upset about her still wanting to move out. Of course she was thinking of me—because Honey’s kind and strong and made of goddamn pure gold. Not just her heart, but every inch of her. Bright, breath-taking gold.
I may have always had money, more than I need now, but in truth, I’ve still been a poor man, impoverished of her plentiful love. Of the richness it brings to everyone’slives. I’d give up every single penny, every trophy and title to my name, if it meant I’d get to see her gleaming smile every day.
‘Also,’ Wolfman laughs, ‘everyone shouts at kids. They’re fucking annoying sometimes, and when they prod you at the wrong moment, we can’t always help it if we tell them off a little louder than we should’ve.’
He sets his beer bottle on the coffee table, leaning forward. ‘I’ve shouted at my niece before—just the other week Bonnie was obsessed with trying to reach this little cactus I had off the bookshelf. Told her to stop too many times, was already having a bad day. But what did she do? Knocked it off, smashed the plant pot,andgot hurt by it. I yelled at her, she cried, then Iapologised, and we had a cuddle, and she was alright. She doesn’t hate me and nor does my sister when I told her what happened. I’m sure if you just explain to her, she’ll understand.’
‘But,’ Wyatt suggests, ‘if you’re not sure you want to help raise a kid, that’s okay. You’re allowed to not want children. I don’t know if that has anything to do with this.’
‘No,’ I immediately say—maybe the easiest answer I’ve ever given. ‘I do. I … I’d be honoured to be Noah’s dad. I’d love to have my own children one day—I think Noah’s shown me that. How much fulfilment I got from helping him, teaching him new things, just listening to him tell me about his day after school.’ The warm memories flood my mind and mirth climbs into my chest, forcing out my smile. ‘Watching his confidence grow. Kinda makes me want to make something out of Lucky Star to foster that. A bull-riding school, maybe.’
‘Then, you should tell Honey that,’ Duke says.
My brows drop as I worry my lip, concerned how she’ll react. If I could take her turning me away. ‘I don’t think she’d forgive me. For running off like that. I told her I’d try and be the man that she needs and then I abandon her.’
‘It’s not abandoning her if you go back,’ Wyatt adds.
It’s not abandoning her if our paths are always supposed to meet either. A small kernel of hope pulses inside of me wondering if the universe would ever let us stay apart forever, anyway. It’s already failed once to stop us.