Honey takes his hand this time, ensuring he doesn’t run off again, and we silently make our way out of the back area to the stands. I let my steps slow for a few seconds, allowing me to watch Honey and Noah, hand in hand ahead of me, and ache to be the third link in their chain. The final piece to their happy family.
I guess I just have to keep proving to her that I can be worthy of them. Maybe not this weekend, maybe not this year, but maybe one day. Whatever it takes.
29
Honey
Noah’s like a walking zombie by the time we’re through the door to the hotel suite Sawyer organised for us all, and honestly, I’m barely managing to stay awake myself after spending all day at the rodeo with them both. From the way Noah’s fighting his closing eyes, I don’t think I’ll manage to get him in the bath tonight, nor am I sure I have any energy left to do so, so it’s straight to bed for him.
‘Come on, baby.’ I direct him towards his bedroom across the suite—the idea of having his own room when usually if we stay at hotels he’s subjected to sharing a bed with me was enough to have him dancing when we arrived earlier today. I chuckle at how he drags his feet all sleepily. ‘Let’s get you in your pyjamas and then off to sleep.’
‘Night, buddy. Sleep well,’ Sawyer calls over to us as he deposits himself on one of the long leather couches in the middle of the suite, using the remote to switch on the electric fire opposite him.
Noah just about manages to open his eyes properly to reply and wave, ‘Goodnight, Da—um, Sawyer.’
I force myself not to freeze again at his little slip up and definitely do not let myself look at Sawyer this time. I can’t stand seeing the same horror on his face that I witnessed earlier when Noah called himDad. How when I heard the word leave Noah’s lips—especially after Sawyer had so heroically thrown himself into the pen to grab him, not thinking for one second about his bad leg let alone his own safety as though nothing was as important as Noah in that moment—my heart jolted. As though a misplaced puzzle piece had finally been slotted into where it had always belonged.
For a second, it sounded right.
It sounded like everything I’d dreamed of.
It just took me a moment to remember that Sawyer might not share that dream.
I know Sawyer said he wanted me and Noah, that he loved that we came as a package deal, but wanting to spend time with Noah and actually wanting to become a parent are two very different things. We’re only twenty-seven, for God’s sake, we’re still young. I might have had to grow up quickly since having Noah, but I can’t expect that of Sawyer suddenly, not when he didn’t ask for it. I don’t even get it from Noah’s own father now, I’m sure he’d happily give up his dad duties to be a free man again if he had the choice, even if I know he loves Noah.
So, it’d be silly to expect anything more from Sawyer … Right?
Quickly, I get Noah changed into his pyjamas and settle him in bed, watching him drift off before he can evenfinish saying goodnight to me. I leave him with a kiss on his forehead and head back into the main part of the suite, where Sawyer still rests on the couch, staring intently into the fire as if he’s hoping to find the answers to something there.
I hover by Noah’s bedroom door for a few seconds to fortify myself with some deep breaths, knowing I can’t just breeze over what happened with Noah and Sawyer today and fall asleep together like usual before climbing back into my own bed in the morning.
‘Hey,’ I start, my voice a little higher than anticipated as I wander over and slump down on the other end of the couch to Sawyer. His eyes dart over to me, a brief smile touching his lips. ‘About earlier … what Noah said—I’m sorry. He was probably just caught up in the moment, a bit emotional and—’
‘It’s fine.’ Sawyer shrugs, relaxing back into the couch further. Seemingly unfazed. ‘Kids call their teachers mom or dad all the time, right? No big deal.’
My eyes narrow slightly. ‘Well, yeah … but I think it’s alittledifferent—’
‘Blue,’ Sawyer chuckles, mouth hooking up on one side, the firelight dancing against the golden strands of his hair. Flashing that smirk with the hopes to disarm me, perhaps. Or to remind me that he’ll always be the cheeky, care-free Sawyer. The cowboy who couldn’t be tamed. The cowboy who certainly doesn’t want a kid. ‘It’s not different. It doesn’t mean anything to me, don’t stress about it.’
My lip drops, as if to retort, but nothing comes out. Because is it so wrong of me to wish it did mean something to him?
It’s not as though Sawyer’s been acting like Noah’steacher. No, he’s been acting like he wants to be part of this family. He’s taken more interest in Noah than anyone ever has, save for my mom, but even Gray doesn’t go to the lengths that Sawyer does to make Noah happy. No one else rehearses questions with Noah before meeting all the bull riders this weekend so he can feel a little more confident about talking to the people he idolises, so he doesn’t have to miss out just because he’s shyer than everyone else. Only Sawyer.
And clearly it’s had an impact on Noah, if he feels so close to Sawyer to call him Dad, to almost call him it asecondtime tonight. I don’t think it was a slip up at all, I think Noah really does see him as a father figure, the one he’s always deserved. The one I’ve always wanted to be able to give to him. And it kills me to think that I might have to take that away from him if Sawyer decides this isn’t what he wants.
My chest tightens, throat suddenly clogged. I suck my teeth, then just about manage to push out, ‘Right, yeah. It’s no big deal.’ I stand then, straightening out my jumper dress with a shaky breath. ‘I’m gonna head to bed. See you in the morning.’
‘Oh.’ Sawyer stands too and when I turn, his hand is reaching towards me. ‘You’re staying in your room?’
‘I don’t need Noah getting confused, Sawyer,’ I say, a polite smile following. The only way I’ve learnt to cover up how I truly feel.
Sawyer fights his furrowing brow, licking his bottom lip slowly before nodding. ‘Right, of course. Sleep well, Blue.’
‘You too,’ I reply, immediately hurrying to my bedroomand subsequently leaning back on the door once it’s shut. I stay there for a moment, taking deep breaths until my racing heart begins to calm, though my thoughts still whirr through my mind. My bed calls for me, but something tells me, despite the exhaustion creeping into my bones from being out all day, that I’m going to struggle to drift off tonight.
I could do some yoga or stretches to try to ease my mind, but I don’t have my mat, and I remember spying a huge bathtub in the ensuite bathroom—something I’m sure Sawyer purposefully looked for when picking out this hotel suite because he probably knew it’d be helpful after a long day. Damn him for always being so thoughtful. So generous.
I drag myself into the bathroom and get the bath running, taking off my makeup while the tub fills and changing into the fluffy white robe on the back of the door. When the water is almost at the right level, I test the temperature and—