My heart shatters. But it’s not just something good he needs right now, it’shope. So, I quietly admit, ‘I got into Powell University.’
Sawyer abruptly angles his head back, gazing down atme with the beginnings of a grin that rouses the kind of butterflies in my stomach I don’t want to bat away anymore. ‘Shit—sorry. That’s amazing. I’m so proud of you.’
‘I know … I—I told my mom too.’ His arms stiffen around me, but I just nuzzle into him further, making him relax again. ‘She was so happy.’
Even as I admit it, my heart beats at the prospect, the freedom that the future is finally putting closer to my reach. And the light blossoming in Sawyer’s eyes suggests he sees the same.
‘She … Sawyer, she said she was sorry for not doing more. For not protecting me, but that she barely had the strength to protect herself …’ Her bruises are practically mirrors of mine. God knows how many years before me she had to endure that pain too. ‘We’re going to leave. I just have to hold on ’til graduation.’
I don’t know if it’s the promise of freedom or the way Sawyer’s shiny eyes take me in with what seems a lot like wonder, but boldness soars through me, forcing me to admit, ‘I couldn’t have done it without you. You know that, Sawyer? I had the strength to apply to college and tell my mom because ofyou. When I’m with you, I feel strong enough to keep going. To make it to the end of the year. That day you noticed the bruises on my wrist, I’d been up crying all night, unsure how I was going to find the strength to keep pretending.Yougave me that strength. With your jokes and your inability to stop talking.’ Sawyer grins at that—so darnhandsome. ‘But also with your understanding, your kindness, and your effortless belief in me.’
A faint blush stains his high cheekbones, and I let myself indulge in truly admiring him for once—the strength of hisangled jaw, the way the water droplets cling to his long lashes like small crystals, and those stupid dimples that finally got to me. Especially when he’s smiling down at me like now.
‘We’re gonna get through this, okay? Together, we’re strong enough. We’re Noah Stetson and Georgia Hart, after all.’ That has him chuckling lightly. I find his hand and filter my fingers between his, instantly emboldened by our connection. ‘I know I can’t stop your dad, but when you’re not feeling whole, I’ll give you my strength. Just like you give me yours.’
Sawyer nods and tightens his hold on me. ‘I’d be honoured to just have a fraction of you, Blue.’
We sit there, curled into each other, letting the water wash away our fears and the clouds of steam hide us from the treachery of the world for just a moment. A moment where we can feel whole for once—not broken in half by pain. A moment where we can experience what it truly feels like to trust, and maybe,just maybe, love.
17
Honey
I’m woken up by Noah calling out for me. Mind suddenly wide awake and blaring, I’m out of bed and rushing across the landing to his room in a flash, barrelling through his bedroom door with my arms already open wide to scoop him up.
‘It’s okay, baby. Momma’s here.’
Noah buries his tear-stained face into my chest once he’s in my arms, heavy breaths labouring out of him, and I pull the sheets up around us, snuggling into him as I rock us side to side.
‘I was calling for you,’ he sobs, little hands clutching me. My heart lurches at the thought of him being afraid and without me.
‘I know, baby. I’m sorry. But I’m here now. You’re safe.’ I pepper the top of his head with kisses, squeezing him tighter. I’m so used to this now—the nightmares he gets, how he just needs to know I’m here—yet my heart still races, mind on high alert.
They started when he began kindergarten last year, with the psychologist suggesting it was likely due to his anxiety, and that he should grow out of them once he feels more settled in school. Moving house probably didn’t help with the added stress, and I can’t help but beat myself up sometimes, wondering if I’m doing enough for him. Wondering if I ever have. If I should’ve encouraged him to do more, enrolled him in some kids’ sports groups even if he’s not interested in anything but his horses and cowboys, or organised more playdates. Sent him to stay with his dad more so he might have a strong male role model occasionally around, someone less timid than me.
‘Want me to sing for you?’ I offer.
Sniffling, Noah nods, and I press one last kiss to his sweet head before starting to sing. He’s never cared for what song I sing, as long as it’s something slow. So, tonight I choose ‘There’s the Sun’ by Zach Top. The little sigh Noah lets out as soon as I start is the better music to my ears.
I sing through several songs, gently swaying him in my arms, before I hear Noah’s breaths become soft and even, alerting me that he’s finally fallen asleep. That’s the longest it’s taken in ages to get him to drift off, and as soon as I stop rocking us, I realise how much it’s made my shoulders ache. Carefully, I slide him out of my arms and into the bed, tucking the sheets around him. I tiptoe out of his room, but head downstairs instead of my own bedroom. I’m exhausted yet simultaneously too awake, just like after every nightmare. I’ve never been good at getting back to sleep—as if the thought of him upset scares me more than his nightmare did him.
My first thought is to go grab a cup of warm milk—likeSawyer made me that time, but I find myself padding past Sawyer’s bedroom and out onto the back deck. The cool midnight air nips at my weary body, but I don’t care. I just flick on the outside light and head to the fence, leaning against it as I take in the calmness of the silent ranch, the stars speckling the sky behind the dark mountains ahead.
Then, I let out the longest sigh.
‘That bad, huh?’ Sawyer’s voice sounds behind me.
‘Oh!’ I startle, twisting quickly to find him lounging in one of the deck chairs, wearing the strange combination of a shearling jacket and just his underwear.
‘Sorry.’ He jumps to his feet, instantly rushing over to me, not using his crutches. ‘I didn’t mean to scare you.’
I wonder why he’s out here on the back deck in the middle of the night—I know we live together, but it seems like he always ends up where I am. There’s been too many late nights meeting recently and it makes me wonder …
But then it hits me. ‘Did Noah wake you again? I’m so sorry.’ I go back to leaning against the fence and hang my head. He must really regret letting us stay here—I’m sure there are many other things a playboy bull rider like him would rather get woken up by in the middle of the night than a six year old crying. ‘I don’t know how long he was calling. He doesn’t usually take that long to get back to sleep either.’
‘Hey.’ Sawyer gently brushes his fingers against the back of my arm and I savour the brief, warm touch, even though what I could really use right now is just to fall into his arms and let him hold me until my exhaustion dissolves. Not that I want to fall intohisarms specifically—just … I’m just real tired and his arms once gave me solace I’ve never found elsewhere. ‘’S’okay. I was already awake.’
‘You sure?’ Tears prick my eyes from the guilt.