My heartrate kicks up. ‘You were basically a grown man at seventeen but that never stopped him.’
‘Blue.’ His eyes marry mine and his hands edge forward but never reach me. Never graze my fingers like I want them to. ‘It’s fine. It’s just me there. My dad’s—he’s dead.’
My fingers flex out towards his. ‘Oh, Sawyer. Are you okay?’
‘I’m … indifferent,’ he states, voice devoid of emotion. But the dragging of his gaze from mine suggests something. Guilt, maybe. ‘I didn’t feel a thing when I got a call that he was in hospital. That his alcoholism had finally caught up to him and that he only had a few days left. Were you sad when you found out about your dad passing?’
His eyes search mine, and I wonder who he’s had to talk to all this time, since he didn’t have me to keep his truth safe like he once did.
‘I … I was upset when I heard, but not because it meant I’d never see him again—I didn’t want to ever see him again. I think I was mourning the father I never had.’
Something in him softens as he considers such. ‘Do you ever feel … relieved?’
I nod lightly. It’s been a subject of many therapy sessions—to come to terms with the fact that it’s okay to feel some positive emotions from my dad’s passing. ‘That I was done hiding, yes.’
He relaxes into a smile then, and I know it’s what he needed to hear. ‘Fuck, it’s good to see you, Blue.’
‘It’s good to be back.’ My own grin is coaxed out, and his eyes brighten almost instantly, dipping straight to my mouth. My heart flutters in response, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t missed him.
His tongue darts out over his bottom lip as his smile slinks into something more crooked. ‘You know, maybe we should do this again. Properly. Go for a drink or something one ni—’
‘Stalking me much?’ A waitress with long red hair appears at our table beside me, facing Sawyer.
His eyes flash at her, smirk staying put. ‘Oh, hey, Bri.’
‘Thought you’d had enough of me on Friday night,’ she teases. Sawyer just clears his throat, forcing her to follow his eyes to me. ‘Oh, crap, sorry. Didn’t realise you had company. Hi, I’m Briar.’
When I get a better look at her face I instantly recognise her as a girl who was in our homeroom, though she’s given up her goth phase and had a full blown glow-up. She’s stunning, and clearly Sawyer thinks so too if he spent the other night with her. It’s a rush of cold water over me, but a needed warning about who he is, the erratic world he lives in. That I can’t get swept up by him again. Not if I want to carry on with my stable life.
That’s all that matters right now. For Noah.
I politely smile. ‘I know, we went to school together.’
Briar furrows her brow, probably because I did my best to make myself as immemorable as possible. ‘We did? Oh … Oh! Honey Goldman? I almost didn’t recognise you.’
Sawyer brushes his fingers against her arm in a way that has my skin crawling even though it shouldn’t. ‘Bri, I’ll catch you later, yeah?’
Briar flicks her gaze between us before saying, ‘Oh, sure. Nice to see you, Honey.’ Then she carries on to the back of the café.
Sawyer starts, ‘Sorry about that. Anyway, I was asking—’
‘Sawyer,’ I interrupt, for both of our sakes. ‘I don’t think that would be a good idea. I’m not like the other women you probably see. I’m amom. I go to bed at like nine o’clock, sometimes earlier, and my apartment is filled with toys. My life revolves around Noah, and I don’t want anything getting in the way of that.’
He shuts his mouth instantly and nods.
‘But I’d really like to be friends. I mean, we were good friends before, right?’
‘Sure.’ An unconvincing smile follows, eyes dimming.
‘I should, um, get going.’ I grab my purse from the floor. ‘Thank you, for the coffee, and the flowers. Do you need a ride home?’
Sawyer checks over his shoulder to the kiosk, where Briar happens to be. ‘’S’all good. I can make my own way home. I’m gonna stick around for a bit.’
Message received.
Still, I admit, ‘It really was good to see you, Sawyer.’
‘You too, Blue.’