He didn't hold back though. " Or the Hesolga fully consumes us one by one as we run out of time. But because Trux will be the first, and it's a group bond, then we will have to count down the rest of the days until we all go berserk, unable to prevent it. Knowing you can only sit by and watch as all of us go insane. I fear you would fall into existential nihilism."
Wow, that sucked too. The looming doom that couldn't be prevented was definitely worse. I didn't even want to consider that last part.
He watched me file it. Watched the process happen behind my eyes. His own face gave away nothing, but I caught the tension at the corner of his mouth.
His jaw set. "The order of operations is non-negotiable." He didn't name the order. He didn't have to. His eyes did it for him. Me first. Then Ryker. Complete the bonds before the Hesolga takes any of us.
Kearan first. He was hesitant but not completely in denial.
Then Ryker. His hurt from the rejected bond would take far more work than Kearan would. He would need more time.
The timeline was days. Maybe a week or two. Two bonds, one almost there and one hanging by a thread, and a team already coming apart at the seams.
I nodded once. Sharp. The only answer the math allowed.
Something moved behind his eyes, too fast to name, gone before I could be sure. Then the mask dropped back into place.
He stepped back into the main room, mug in hand, posture exactly what it had been before, like the conversation had never happened. Like the weight he'd just dropped on me was one more data point, filed and forgotten.
I stayed where I was. The coffee had warmed with a watery layer on top and caramel congealed in a layer at the bottom of the glass. I set it on the counter without finishing it.
Across the room and through the doorway, Trux finally looked up. His gaze found mine, and what was in it wasn't fear or anger. Something deep and primal to his base nature.
We'd all known what we were getting into when this started. When I stood in my mom's house and kissed each of them. We'd all wanted this bond, even looked forward to it. Maybe not as much for Kearan, but I remembered the vulnerable look in his eyes when I asked him. He'd wanted this, and consented when he kissed me. He hadn't believed it was possible back then.
I stepped back into the main room. Kearan didn't look up. Seph's appearance focused on the map, but I felt her attention on me. Rhiot's fingers had gone still on his tablet. Ryker's hood had slipped lower, his face gone entirely now, his body a master class in deliberate absence.
Trux's stone clicked once against his palm.
All relationships had their bumps. We would work this out. Then we could kick the demon's ass who had possessed Ro. And then I'd tell Zandia to fuck right off.
CHAPTER 5
Istepped out into the rain because the inside of my own head had gotten too loud. At this point, the cold felt like the only thing left that I fully understood. The downpour wasn't much, just a thin drizzle, enough to take the hard edges off the world and smear out the chaos waiting behind me. Every drop hit my skin like a small middle finger to the stuffy air of the compound. I slipped through the door and went looking for one quiet minute away from the thoughts stacking up in my skull.
I scanned the locked courtyard for something to anchor me, and there he was. Ryker, stretched out in the wet grass in raccoon form like the weather had been built for him. I smirked before I could stop myself.
The rain was doing for him what nothing else had managed in days. He lay there like he owned the damn place, all scruffy fur and zero cares, and something familiar tugged at my chest. Just Ryker and me now, tucked into our little pocket of wet grass and dying daylight.
I settled down next to him and let the grass soak through my jeans and creep up my back. I didn't ask him to shift. Didn't need to say anything, not yet. The quiet between us was the firstdecent break I'd had from the madness inside, where everything still buzzed. I let the rain have me instead, soft enough to coax some of the tension out of my shoulders.
His little raccoon breaths fell in with the rain, and the warmth in my chest refused to quit. He rolled onto his back, paws flopping in the air, not a care in the world. I half expected one of those tiny raccoon grins, beady eyes lit up with trouble. Instead he just settled in, letting the rain patter across his fur, like the whole world could go to hell in a handbasket as long as he got this minute.
A laugh slipped out of me. I leaned over and nudged his little raccoon elbow with mine, just to bug him. Stupid, but I did it anyway. He flicked an ear my way and pretended he hadn't noticed. The snicker bubbled up as I flicked water at him with my fingers. It only ruffled his fur, but a second later his elbow thudded back into my ribs, just enough to tell me he was awake, aware, and still up for it.
Thunder grumbled somewhere off past the trees, and neither of us cared. I scooted closer, laughing harder now. It felt good, the laughing. Every bump and splash knocked another chunk of weight off my shoulders that I hadn't even noticed piling up there. Easy to just exist out here. No demands, no expectations. Just Ryker and me in the rain.
At some point we both went still. Maybe it was the rain, soft but relentless, settling us down. Ryker had gone back to pretending I wasn't there, even with the trouble still glinting in his beady eyes. These were the good ones, these moments. No explaining, no performing, just two people in the same wet patch of grass not needing to say a word about it.
Time slid around on us while we lay there. The rain kept coming, and I lost track of how long we stayed put, two idiots letting the world be a mess somewhere else for once. I turnedmy head to look at him, and for whatever reason, he felt like the safest thing between me and everything waiting inside.
Then he shifted, slow and deliberate, the decision made without a single word. Fur folded back into the shape of a man, Ryker again, the change so smooth it looked like nothing more than peeling off a layer. Mud and grass clung to his jeans. His hair was a wild mess. I grinned at him, at the half-amused, half-curious look on his face as he settled in beside me, angled my way, dragging me back into the real world easier than I expected.
The darkening sky did whatever it wanted, clouds dragging past in grays and blues. We lay there not touching but close enough to, and the space between us felt like its own kind of comfortable. No words, no noise, just the steady drum of rain coming down.
After a while, he looked toward the compound. I followed it to the gold light spilling out of the kitchen window, where Kearan was probably doing whatever Kearan did when he wasn't cleaning up after someone else.
Ryker didn't point. Didn't say a word.