“Me, too. Laughter is good for the soul. Especially tearful laughter,” Pam said.
“True. I honestly don’t know why I’m intentionally blocking anything from developing between me and Matt.”
“Do you want to know what I think?” Pam asked.
“Yes.”
“You see him as a threat.”
Iris frowned. “A threat? Why would you think that?”
Pam reached across the table and took her best friend’s hand in hers. “I think you’re afraid a relationship with Matt would go beyond your wildest dreams and make you rethink those limitations you’ve established for yourself. I know how much you loved Garlan, and I know how much you grieved for him, Iris. I also know about that promise you made that you would never fall in love again. Because in doing so, you see that as somehow tarnishing Garlan’s love and memory.”
There was no way Iris could deny what Pam said because she was so right. That night at Cheyenne’s birthday party, even she had been surprised by how attracted she’d been to Matt. It hadn’t mattered at the time that she’d been involved with Warren. But now with Warren out of the picture…
“Okay, I admit you’re right, Pam. A part of me wants to get to know Matt better, but then another part of me is convinced I don’t want any part of an exclusive relationship again. Just date here and there.”
“And what happens when those sexual urges hit? The ones your battery-operated boyfriend can’t satisfy? I know you, Iris. I know how your mind works. Just dating here and there isn’t enough for you to feel comfortable sharing a bed with someone. It has to be more.”
Iris frowned. “You make it sound as if I only shared exclusive relationships with Warren and Karlton for the sex.”
“Didn’t you? You and I both know it wasn’t because you were ready to share a deeper or more meaningful commitment with them. For you, they were safe. You even told them upfront you didn’t want anything permanent.”
Yes, she had. Both had agreed because they hadn’t wanted anything permanent either. Like her, they had desired the benefits of a serious relationship without the pressure and expectations of anything beyond that. At least at the time, they hadn’t. Karlton had later changed his mind and wanted more.
“Okay, you’re right. I can’t share a bed with a guy if they are sleeping with others as well. That’s why I needed exclusivity. But then Warren proved that exclusivity means nothing to some men. And that’s what I find so unacceptable and why I’m hesitant about doing it again.”
Pam’s hand tightened on hers before releasing it. “I want to give you the same advice I recently gave Shauna.”
Shauna Barnes had been Pam’s protégée since the age of six, when she had been one of the first students to enroll in Pam’s acting school in Wyoming. Now twenty-five, Shauna was a well-known actress in Hollywood and often sought Pam’s guidance on relationship issues. “And what advice did you give Shauna?”
“To trust her gut feelings and instincts. I also encouraged her to rely on her inner compass and never rush anything. Some things don’t have to be timed. Everything has a natural flow, Iris. Even relationships. I found that out the hard way when I became engaged to marry Fletcher Mallard.”
“And what if my gut instincts are telling me I’m not ready for anything serious? Or my inner compass leads me in another direction?” Iris asked.
“Then go with that. However, make sure it’s not your reluctance to let go and move on. You and I both know Garlan would want you to be happy.”
Pam paused and then said, “I recall when I was about nine, and it was just me and Dad. Mom had died six years earlier, when I was three. But I remembered her. I recall how well she took care of me, her deliciously cooked meals, and how beautiful she was. I also recall how much she made Dad smile.”
After taking a sip of coffee, Pam resumed talking. “I will never forget the day—a few months after turning ten—when Dad sat me down and told me about Alma and that he was thinking of marrying again. I had a full-blown panic attack. The first thing that crossed my mind was that if Dad married someone else, he would forget Mom. That his new wife would erase her memory from our lives forever.”
“Did you tell your dad how you felt?” Iris asked.
“Yes. I shared all my fears with him, and he explained that Mom would always have a special place in his heart. There was no way she could not, given he had loved her so much. He told me he had a big heart and Alma would fit into it, and have her place in it, just as I had my place there. Dad understood my worries were the result of my feeling insecure. He then told me something I knew to be true.”
“What was that?”
“Mom had a big heart, too, and she wouldn’t want us to be alone. She would want him to have someone in his life to love him and who would love me, too. He and I were a package deal, and Alma knew and accepted that.”
Iris nodded. “And from what you told me, she was the best.”
“Yes, she was. Alma was just what my dad and I needed, and she made him smile again.” After releasing a deep breath, she said, “You don’t have to worry about Garlan Jr., Iris, since he never knew his dad, and I honestly don’t think he would have a problem with you dating. He hasn’t so far.”
“No, he hasn’t. He wasn’t around Karlton much and spent even less time with Warren. Besides, Garlan is getting older and will soon have a life of his own to live. He’s already told me he and a few of his friends are thinking of going skiing during the holidays in Aspen. He figured that should be okay since we usually spend Christmas and New Year’s here with you guys. He’ll only be three hours away.”
After taking a sip of coffee, Pam placed her cup down and studied her. “You are okay with that, right, Iris?” Pam asked.
“I can’t help but be okay with it. It will be hard since it’s the first holiday we’ve ever spent apart. But I realize he’s getting older, and I don’t want him to feel as if I’m smothering him.”