"What do you mean?"
"You said you sleep in here; you're Ms. Collins to the lawyer. That's the practical version. That's the lawyer-makes-sense version. Is that all of it?"
I look at him. He's watching me the way he watches Harper when he's checking if she's actually fine or just pretending to be fine.
"No," I say.
"Okay. Tell me the rest."
"I don't know how."
"Try."
I take a breath. Let it out. The hallway carpet has a stain nearthe baseboard that I've walked past every day since I’ve been here and never noticed. I'm noticing it now.
"I do a thing," I say. "I leave first. Before someone can leave me."
"I figured."
"You did?"
"Red, you've told me about your parents. You told me you were terrified to care about people. I've been waiting for it."
"For me to leave?”
"For you to want to."
I have to look away from him.
"I'm not actually leaving," I say. "I want you to know that. I'm not packing a bag. I'm not breaking up with you. I don't want to do either of those things."
"Okay."
"But the part of me that does want to is awake right now. The part that's been quiet for months woke up today in Ms. Chen's office. And it's loud."
"What's it saying?”
"It's saying this is the part where I go. That if I just left, you could win the case clean, and Harper would be safe, and I'd be doing the thing that helps you. That's what it's telling me. Right now. Standing here."
"And you're not going to listen to it."
"I'm trying not to."
He nods once. Doesn't say anything for a long second.
"Can I ask you something?" he asks.
"Yeah."
"Is the bedroom thing about the case, or is it about that?"
"What do you mean?"
"You said it's smart. The lawyer. The bed. I agree, it's smart. But is that why you're doing it, or is the leaving part of you running the show and the bedroom thing what you negotiated with it?"
I open my mouth. Close it.
"Both," I say. "It's both."