I agreed, and he decided to walk me to my car, which wasn’t a good sign. It felt like he didn’t expect the conversation to take long, so this clearly wasn’t about to be a moment ofreconciliation. Not one that he started at least. The whole time we walked to my car, I battled with if I wanted to tell him that I missed him and wanted to be with him or not. I could admit that we weren’t together because of my choice, but I also wanted him to understand it wasn’t a choice I made to intentionally upset him.
Now that the fog was no longer over my eyes, I realized I could have waited for him to safely get me to the hospital. But in that moment, I was desperate and willing to do whatever to get to my family. It wasn’t that I wanted to make him feel like his leadership or desires didn’t matter, but I also didn’t want to be with a man who expected me not to do the things I wanted or needed to do.
Daddy helped me understand that Marz’s frustration could have come from a place of fear because he wanted to make sure I was safe, and in order to do that, he had to have a certain level of control. I could respect that, but I still didn’t like feeling like I had to be under his control just to be with him.
What I had accepted was that if I’d gone to him and told him I was unwilling to wait that there was a chance we could have come to an agreement, and that compromise could have avoided us no longer being together. I wanted to tell him that and see if he’d be willing to give us another chance, but I’d never been the type of woman to make the first move, and I honestly didn’t know if I wanted to.
What if he rejected me?
What if he still needed space?
I’d rather just follow his lead, because if he no longer wanted me, I definitely didn’t want to spill my heart telling him how much I missed and wanted to be with him.
“How have you been?” Marz asked as I leaned against my car.
“Good. A little stressed over work but that’s nothing new. You?”
“Same. Iman and Jay… they haven’t been bothering you?”
“No. I haven’t heard from either of them since the agreement.”
“Good.” Marz inhaled a deep breath before his thumb gently grazed my cheek. “I really am happy things worked out. How’s your grandma?”
A nervous chuckle escaped me. “She’s out of the hospital and in rehab. She has a long road of recovery but I’m hopeful, even if no one else is.”
“Keep that hope. She’ll feed off it. She needs it more than you’ll ever know.”
Silence found us for a while as we avoided each other’s eyes. He cursed quietly under his breath as he looked at me.
“Marz, I’m?—”
“Kiana is pregnant,” he blurted. It took me a second to remember that she was his best female friend. I wasn’t sure why he was telling me that, so I remained silent so he could continue. “I might be the father.”
I was glad I was leaning against my car because my knees grew weak. When we talked about Kiana, he made sure to tell me they had a truly platonic relationship and had never dated. Now, he was telling me there was a chance she was pregnant with his child?
“I thought you said there was nothing going on between the two of you?”
“There isn’t,” he assured me quickly. “We’ve had sex twice. Prom night, and like three months ago. She was getting over a breakup and needed affection and attention, and I didn’t want to reject her. When we came back home from our trip, she had sex with her fiancé, and now she doesn’t know which one of us is the father of her baby.
“But I’ve never had any romantic feelings for her, and all I’ve ever seen her as is a friend. Even more now after the last time weslept together. She’s truly like a sister to me, and I didn’t enjoy having sex with her at all. I know it sounds fucked up to say, and maybe you don’t believe it, but I really only did it because she wanted to.”
A tinge of jealousy filled me, and before I could stop myself, I said, “Great. You being a good friend is about to lead to you being a father. Congratulations, Marz.”
I turned and tried to open the door, but Marz pressed his body against me. He rested his forehead against the back of my head as his hand covered mine on the door handle.
“This ain’t what I wanted, Wifey. Not with nobody that wasn’t you.”
Scoffing, I pushed him off me. “It is what it is, Marz. That happened before we came back into each other’s lives. I can’t be mad at you for that.”
“But you are,” he noted quietly, closing the door after I’d opened it. “And I know it’s because you’re hurt. And I’m so sorry, bae.”
I wanted to tell him that he had nothing to be sorry for, but he was right. Iwashurt. I was angry. I wanted to be the mother of his children—the only mother of his children. Here I was thinking maybe there was a chance for us to get back together, and now, that shit was done.
“Can you let me go?” I asked, not wanting him to see a tear fall from my eyes.
“I don’t want to, but yeah. I will.” Gritting my teeth, I swallowed hard as I avoided his sad eyes. “I’m sorry, bae. This wasn’t how I thought things would go between us. If her baby is mine, I have to do right by my baby. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be with her at all, but I will be present in my baby’s life, and I don’t know how a new relationship would fit into that. You deserve to be a priority in my life, and I don’t want to put you in this complicated bullshit. That will be a huge adjustmentfor me, and you deserve a man who doesn’t have that kind of attachment.”
“Trust me, I agree.”