It’s disgusting. It’s why Robyn’s disappearance hits harder. She was supposed to be the first graduate in over six years. I wanted that for her. She wanted that. The longer she’s gone, the more it feels impossible.
I’ve always felt like an intruder here. A body taking up space I was never meant to occupy. Nine months. That’s all I have left. The thought settles heavy in my chest. I don’t know if I can cope with nine more months of this. Walking these paths. Being looked through instead of at. Pretending I’m not counting every single day.
The building looms closer as the car slows and I remind myself it has never owned me, no matter how much it’s tried to make me feel small. Taking a breath, I grab my bag and push the passenger door open. Felix follows, and we step into the crowd gathering before classes.
I spot the boys by the library and we both head over but Roman’s continued absence sits wrong with me.
“Where’s Roman?” Felix asks before I get the chance.
“He’s not with you?” Atlas responds, but I don’t miss the slight recoil in his body as he says it. I glance at Felix to see if he picked up on it, but I can’t get a read on him.
What are they hiding?
“No, I’ve not seen him since he left for the debrief yesterday,” Felix replies.
Riggs comes up beside me and lifts my bag from my shoulder, a habit he picked up in second year when we realised our timetables were almost identical.
“You know you don’t need to do that every day?” I say, and he just flashes that dazzling smile, all straight, white teeth.
“And for you to not need me? Impossible, fairy.” He dips down to kiss my cheek. “Come on, we’re going to be late.”
The rest of the boys peel off, and Riggs and I head towards our body language class, my arm linking through his.
“Riggs…”
“Fairrryyyy.”
“Where’s Roman really?”
His body goes rigid as his step falter.
“What aren’t you telling me?”
“Fuck’s sake,” he mutters, spinning me around and pressing my back against the wall.
To anyone else, it probably looks a lot more intimate than what it really is, but I learnt a long time ago this is how Riggs talks when he doesn’t want to be overheard. He leans in, bracing his arm beside my head to shield his mouth.
“He’s in the dungeon.”
I gasp; the dungeon is a place we designed underground for ourselves. Somewhere we decided we would need after graduation. After a drunk night and a promise made by cutting our palms and mixing our blood, we came to an agreement that we needed somewhere separate from The Company that we could go to interrogate people, if needed. I know my reasons, I know Felix’s. I’m still unsure of the others’ reasoning or why they thought that far ahead but as far as I was aware, it had been a largely unused space before us.
“Why?” I mumble back, rubbing my hand on his face like a lover.
The first time I did that, I cringed. It wasn’t until we were in the safety of the tunnels that we laughed about it and realised how much easier it was to communicate like that without anyone suspecting us. I’m sure people judge me; Riggs is not the onlyone who does it. Atlas and Victor have both cornered me in dark corners before, like lovers desperate for answers.
“I don’t know. I was hoping you had the answers.”
“What? Why me?”
“All I know is he came home from seeing you and said he might be gone for a while and to cover for him. I tried to get him to tell me something, but all he said was they all need to pay.”
I shiver as a rush of adrenaline hits so violently it leaves my hands shaking and my heart racing like it wants to tear free of my ribs. And yet, threaded through the terror, there is hope. Dangerous, intoxicating hope. Because there is a possibility that Roman has chosen me so completely that he is willing to become a monster on my behalf.
“Why?” I mumble again, more to myself than him. Riggs just shakes his head.
“I waited for hours, then panicked and told Victor to track him. He found Roman in the dungeon and he was not alone.”
Riggs’ free hand comes up and pushes my chin up to him as he studies my face, then leans forward and whispers in my ear, “The question still remains, fairy, what did that man do to you for Roman to torture him all night long?”