I stand up and make my way to her bed. Pulling back the pink and sage bedding, I climb in and drag it up over my head, cocooning myself in her scent. Her cherry-and-almond perfume is so strong here that it almost makes me feel safe.
Out there, my time is running out.
Robyn’s already has.
Another bang makes me scream into her pillow.
I’ve stopped responding to people. I’ve stopped talking to anyone, really. Unless someone wants to tell me where the fuck my best friend has gone, I’m not interested.
She went missing a week after we started third year. For a week, I was hopeful that every time I opened that door, she would be standing there saying, “surprise, motherfucker, I’m back.” But the longer she’s been gone, the more I realise she isn’t coming home, and the less I want to deal with my reality.
Fuck The Company. Fuck the world. Fuck this twisted society and its twisted rules.
“That’s where you are,” a deep voice says from the bedroom doorway. I don’t even need to look to know who it is.
He sounds more like Father every year. Our posh English accents always made Robyn laugh. Every now and then, when we said champagne or mentioned caviar, she would get this amused look on her face and say, “Ooh, la-di-da.”
“Fuck off, Felix. I’m not in the mood,” I mutter back.
To be honest, I’m surprised I even have a voice to begin with. I can’t remember the last time I spoke out loud. The music cuts off as I take a deep breath. I do not want to deal with him today.
“You are not doing this, Fae. You are not wasting your life away. No one has heard from you in over a week,” Felix says in his calm voice.
He is always the mediator with me, talking to me as if I’m a skittish chicken ready to run off in a different direction.
“They wouldn’t have heard from me for longer if you had just stayed away,” I sigh.
“I cannot do that, Fae. You know I can’t.”
Groaning, I sit up, pull the quilt down and look at my brother. I know his face better than my own, yet seeing him today still catches me off guard. Those light green eyes thatusually look too soft for him are hardened and broken. They have always been his tell. Usually, no matter how cold he tries to pretend he is to the world, they give him away.
Not today.
Today they look exactly how he thinks they are meant to.
His chestnut-brown hair sits thick and unruly, curling in a way that tells me he hasn’t had it cut in weeks. His curls never behave on the best of days, but today they fall into his eyes in loose waves. His beard has grown in too, it suits him. It’s a darker brown than his hair, thicker today and rougher, accentuating his sharp features. It makes him look older, dangerous even.
I have always been jealous of his sun-kissed skin. He is the type of person who can step out in the sun for five minutes and turn golden. Today, though, he looks like a paler version of me. Felix’s high cheekbones, well-defined straight nose, and strong jawline usually have girls going crazy, but now his face looks gaunt and withdrawn. Even his clothes don’t seem to fit him the way they usually do.
Has he been eating or drinking?
“You look like shit, big brother,” the words tumble out of me without thought.
“Well, none of us are handling her being gone very well,” he gives me a pointed look.
“She wasmybest fucking friend, Felix. I am not going to apologise for grieving the best damn thing that ever happened to me. You know as well as I do what is in store for us at graduation. She was the only good thing I had in my life.” I swallow a sob threatening to bubble up.
“You think I don’t know that? You think I want this, Fae?” He snaps back.
“You know nothing, Felix. You have no idea what this is like. She was taken from me!” I cry out.
“SHE WAS TAKEN FROM US!” he screams, pointing at his chest and shocking me with his anger. “Jesus Christ, Fae, you think I am not suffering the same? You think I do not stay awake every night wondering where she is? If she is alive?”
His chest heaves as we stare at each other in silence. My throat feels tight as tears prick my eyes; I bite my lip to keep the emotion at bay. It’s not that Ican’tcry in front of him. It’s that I don’t want to. Too many times Felix has had to pick up the pieces of my life and I refuse to allow him to do it now. Soon I’ll be on my own, it’s about time he learns that as well.
Felix cracks his neck and opens his mouth before closing it again.
“What is it?” I question impatiently.