“My father.My mother’s from Jamshedpur.India.”I cough to clear the tight feeling in my throat.“Was.”
He takes a breath that’s deep and slow, and for some reason I find myself doing the same thing.Which is good, I suppose.Now my shoulders aren’t so tight.
“This auction.Are you certain it’s something you’re willing to do?”
“Oh.”I straighten my spine.“Yes.Sir.Very certain.”
“Are you certain it’s something you want to do?”
I open my mouth, about to repeat my previous answer, wondering why he’s asking me the same question twice.But then it hits me.I don’t think heisasking the same question.
Do I want to do this?As in, is it something I desire?“It was my idea.”
“Hmm.”It’s impressive, really, how he packs so much skepticism into that one sound.
Maybe I haven’t hidden my mixed feelings as well as I thought.
Deep down inside where nobody can see is this little burning ember that still glows with all the hopes I’ve ever had about Liam and what I wish we could be to each other.About having a family.Belonging.
Doing this auction means snuffing that ember out.Pouring cold water on it.Stomping it to dust.When I think of killing it, my stomach feels like it’s full of battery acid.
It also feels necessary.How else will I ever move on?
I mirror Mr.Corvus’s breaths by taking another slow and deep one of my own.“I’m certain that I need the money, sir.I’m also certain that I’m willing.”
The corners of his mouth lift a little.From the look on his face, I could swear he understands what I’m saying and everything I’m not.
It’s almost nice to feel like someone understands.Even if that someone is as intimidating as Daniel Corvus.
He pulls a clipboard from behind his back.How did I not notice he was holding it this entire time?
You were too distracted by the way he’s eyeing you up like a prize-winning purebred.
“Fill this out.It’ll be useful in weeding out the applicants for attending your auction.There’s been a great deal of interest, and we have limited space.”
Once again, I scan the room we’re in.It’s huge.I can’t see how they would fill it, much less have to turn people away.
“The final page is a contract,” he continues.“Dotting our i’s and crossing our t’s, legally speaking.”
A contract.For the auction.I can’t decide whether that’s terrifying or awesome.Maybe both, from the way my heartbeat is all scattered.
When I take the list and scan it, I can see what he’s getting at.It’s a list of kinks, with a row of checkboxes next to each one.A box to mark if I’ve tried it, a box to mark if I haven’t, and a box to mark if it’s something I’m definitely willing to do, maybe, or definitely not.
“There are things on here I’ve never even heard of,” I say with a hard swallow.“I’ve been doing a lot of research but…” Clothespins?Sensory deprivation?“Why is kissing on here?”
Kissing?Like Penny Mackenzie at the fall festival?There wasn’t even tongue.Her dad’s a pastor.Like Dean at that party?None of that seemed kinky at all.
I’m going to have to look all of this stuff up later.If I had my phone I could take a picture.
“Kissing isn’t always as vanilla as one assumes, and it’s not something everyone enjoys.Explicit consent is best.”
I think of Liam throwing me across his lap and pulling my pants down at three in the morning.Did he know he didn’t need my consent because he already had it?Because when I offered myself to him at eighteen I was willing to give him every part of me, and everything I had?Or did he simply think it was his right, because I’m his “job”?
Probably the second one.
Which burns, honestly.As much of an asshole as he’s been, there’s never been anything I wouldn’t do for him, except stay in a cage.That’s much worse than a crush, I know it is.My therapist would certainly have some things to say about that if I’d ever admitted it to her.
“Got it,” I tell Mr.Corvus.At least I think I do?