“I don’t want you here,” I say. “Just leave.”
“No. We are going to talk about this,” he says sternly.
“Weare not doing shit.Youare going to shut the fuck up and leave me alone,” I say, raising my voice.
“Oh, are you going to make me?” he challenges. I roll my eyes at him and turn to walk to the bathroom. He grabs me by the arm and pulls me back, so I shove him.
“Don’t fucking touch me and act like you give a fuck,” I scream.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he asks.
“Don’t blow smoke up my ass, Todd. You and I both know what you’re thinking, so just fucking say it.”
“Say what? Have you lost your mind?” he asks, frowning.
“Don’t play stupid. Fucking say it,” I demand, shoving him again.
“Say what?” he asks. “If you think you know so much, tell me what it is that I’m thinking.
“That it’s my fault,” I scream, my voice breaking as tears start falling down my face. “She’s dead because of me.”
“Sadie,” he says, softening. He takes a step toward me, but I shove him away.
“She asked me not to push you away. She said you’d need me, but it’s the first fucking thing that I did. It’s the first thing that you did. You have every right to hate me, and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t do anything but just sit here and hurt.”
“Sadie, I don’t hate you,” he says calmly. I am backing away from him as he steps closer, but I back myself into a corner.
“I can see it all over your fucking face. It’s like every time you look at me, you see your dead girlfriend. The woman I know you had a fucking ring for.”
“Sadie,” he repeats, putting his hands on my waist to hold me in place. “I don’t hate you.”
“You should! I killed her, Todd. I fucking killed my best friend, and I can’t fix it. I can’t make you feel better,” I yell again, crying harder. “I just want her back. I wanted to save her… but she gave up. She was so weak and… and tired. She just wanted to sleep.”
Todd pulls me to his chest and crushes me in a hug, keeping me from falling apart. “It’s not your fault, Sadie,” he says softly. “Yes, I’m sad… but it’s not your fault. You didn’t kill Stacy.”
“Why does it feel like I did then?” I ask tearfully, pulling away to wipe my face. “She told me it was okay… She was so calm and accepting of death… I just wanted to save her.”
“I know you did, baby. I know,” he says softly.
“I told her you’d hate me, but she said you love me. I wanted to believe her, but you ignored me in the car when I apologized.”
“Sadie,” he sighs. “I’m stuck between being sad that she’s gone and relieved that you are alive. I feel bad for being happy, but Ifeel stupid for being sad. Why should I grieve her when I’m in love with you? How is that fair to her?”
“You can love more than one person,” I say, sniffing back my tears.
“I’m afraid that her loss will pull you and me apart, and the more I try to prevent that, the more I seem to fuck it up,” he says. “She saved you, but it got her killed. I don’t know how to process that while comforting you the way I want to. So… I just pushed everyone away. I’m sorry I made you feel like I was upset with you.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” I say, wiping my face yet again. “I love you, and I didn’t realize that until she was dying.”
“You love me?” he asks, cupping my face.
“I do,” I say with a nod. “I guess I just kept finding fault in my feelings, so I ignored them. I was raised to believe people like me burn in Hell… So, feeling this strongly about all of you is confusing. I love Billy, Del, Ben, and Jake… but I’m in love with you. I’m in love with Mason, Dean, and Lance. I don’t know how to handle that, so it just piled into the rest of my shit.”
“Do you enjoy being a whore?” he asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you enjoy the life you live with us? Are you happy with us?”