“I...I don't think I'm even close to lovable enough for a relationship. I'm not pretty enough because of the physical differences I grew up with, sweet enough, or nurturing enough. I don't want the traditional family with kids. I can put on a pleasant front, but deep down I'm pretty difficult, brash, combative, sarcastic and blunt. At the same time I can be so ridiculously introverted, socially anxious, and shy that it's crippling.” I look down at my hands, wringing them as I continue.
“Who wants to love someone like that, when there are much easier people to love out there?”
“Lyra, I think the most critical question you can ask yourself is if you're happy with who you are. That's a question to continually ask yourself throughout your life. If there are things about you that you would like to change because it would make you happier, that's one thing. Changing yourself for others is another thing entirely. I'd also like you to look closely and ask if you're being fair in your assessment of yourself. Are you combative and difficult, or do you just have strong boundaries and limits? Who and what determines what combative, difficult, or brash looks like? When you're in comfortable social situations with one on one interaction or a small group of people, do you still feel shy and socially awkward? Do your sister andGina see you as unlovable when they know the real you better than anyone? Or do they love you unconditionally as you are? Wouldn't the right romantic partner do the same? These are all things I want you to think deeply about, Lyra. Being introverted is not equivalent to being unlovable, and neither is not wanting children.”
I nod, willing myself to believe the truth she is throwing at me. The afternoon sun is streaming through the side window, providing a huge warm patch on the floor. The only sound in the room while I process what she’s saying is the sound of Brody snoring in said patch of sun. I take a deep breath, absorb the brightness in the room, the hilariously soothing noise from my dog, and let it all sink in. After a minute of letting her words get through to me, she continues.
“Being introverted is simply how your brain is wired. Choosing to not have children because it's right for you is more than valid. Just because society is unfairly built for extroverts and upholds that ideal that women should be mothers, does not make you wrong. I'd like you to please look at everything from different angles.”
Her words hit hard, but in a way I've needed. Everything over the past few weeks has been such a blur of change and confusion. Talking it out like this is helping me find some clarity, and a way forward again.
“I’ll try that. I must sound pathetic, I have a very privileged life right now, and here I am complaining. My self esteem is pretty shot, and you know it's never been great to begin with,” I tell her quietly, barely meeting her eyes.
Her face softens, going from all business to compassionate.
“There's nothing pathetic about what you're feeling,Lyra. The important thing is you're talking about it, and willing to do the work to feel better about yourself.”
We chat a little more about everything going on, tools I can use when I'm feeling overly anxious about moving on with my life, and keeping my self doubt in check. It's a productive session, and we agree to meet virtually again in two weeks. I quickly let out Brody and scarf down a sandwich before I log back into my work computer right on time. Savannah sends me some memes during our review meeting that almost have me cackling in full view on our video call, so I retaliate with some dirty ones of my own that visibly make her blush. I hear another message ping on my phone.
SAVANNAH
Oh, you're paying for that one with quotes from the smutty book I've been reading when you least expect it
Bring it, I don't blush easily
I admit to myself that it's kind of a lie. Taran and his dirty words have made me blush more than I will ever admit. I'll live in delulu land a little where that's concerned for now, though.
SAVANNAH
Belly Dance class tomorrow after work? The beginner one is at 6:30
Yes! Sushi after?
Obviously
We're almost up to present our review notes, do you have a lot?
Nothing earth shattering, little things that need tweaking
Same. Hopefully we'll be done soon, then. This is a good ad campaign. See you in person tomorrow, lady
Let's hope so, it's showtime. See you tomorrow, boo
We give our notes and comments, and marketing incorporates them without incident. I love it when that happens. Once the meeting is over, I start to find it really hard to focus. It makes me need to use my hands and fuss around to ensure the house is clean while I listen to a continuing education webinar. Everything has to look perfect when Taran gets here a little later. There are still a couple of boxes to unpack, mostly things I don't truly need and may donate, which are shoved in the guest room. Otherwise, I'm pretty settled in at this point. With traffic I'm not sure how quickly he'll be done with his day, but he said he would keep me updated. He's going to go home first and get the food once he drops his truck off. Excitement and nerves are storming around like a tornado inside me that he'll be in my house for the first time. When every pillow is fluffed, surfaces are quickly wiped down, and the robot vacuum does a spot check of Brody hair, I quickly jump into the shower. He seems to like me in my favorite soft sweaters, judging from how he's looked at me, so I pull a pretty pink cashmere v-neck on with black skinny jeans. Soon after, I hear a text notice.
TARAN
On my way there with the very deservedly hyped pupusas. I've got a ton so you even have leftovers. See you in about 15
I can't help my smile at how freaking cute he is being about me trying this new dish. The fact that he would go out of his way to bring me dinner like this is insanely sweet and thoughtful. I think I'm starting to get it in my head that these are not the actions of someone who is just trying to get into my pants or hurt me.
Can't wait to try them. Do they need to be heated up, should I turn the oven on? See you soon
I think they're definitely best heated up in the oven. 375 is perfect
You've got it. I hope you'll stay for a bit to have some with me if you can. You already deliver my work to me, you're not DoorDash or GrubHub on top of it...
Well, someone might as well show you the proper way to eat them, so I guess it should be me. I'll be any type of delivery man you want though, Firecracker...