The melody seeps into me and I let myself drift. My body follows the music; we stumble, laugh, pull ourselves together, start again.
I notice how Jaden slowly lets go. The initial tension has vanished, and I, too, lose myself in this moment. The room, the other people, the effort—none of it exists anymore. Only the two of us, the music, and the dance. Every step becomes a liberated breath, every turn a new chance to feel freedom.
I give it everything. Every muscle in my body is in motion, feels strong and free.
With a broad smile on my face, I look at Jaden, and I see the same feeling reflected in his eyes. He’s enjoying it. This thing he thought he could never do is making him shine.
Far too quickly, the hour is over, and only when we leave the dance studio do I realize how much I’ve exhausted myself. Beads of sweat run down my forehead, my breathing is fast, my heart is pounding.
I gave everything, pushed myself without thinking, and not for a single second did I feel uncomfortable. I wasn’t afraid, and I’m not now either. On the contrary, I just feel… alive.
With every fiber of my body I can feel that I’m healthy. That I can live my life, that I’m allowed to dream of a future, maybe even with Jaden. That I can at least partly be the old Nyla again.
All of a sudden my eyes fill with tears, it feels so good. I glance sideways at Jaden and he looks relaxed too. There’s no fear anymore, no pain.
‘That was amazing,’ I say.
His warm gaze meets mine. ‘Yeah,’ is all he replies, but his expression lets me know that he would say so much more if only he could find the right words.
I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him passionately. ‘You did it,’ I whisper between two kisses.
He pulls me closer to him. ‘We did it.’
Yes, we did. Together. Once again, thanks to him, I feel infinite, and I sense that I no longer have to wish for this feeling to stay with me.
I know that it will.
Chapter Thirty-Four
JADEN
The orange-red light of the morning sun falls through the treetops of the park to my right, only a few cars populate the street.
My legs are heavy, yet I keep running, farther and farther, to the place where I couldn’t be for so long. Even though I don’t have to be at work until the afternoon, I’m already wearing my uniform. In these dark blue clothes I’m an invincible hero day after day, and that’s who I have to be now as well.
It’s quiet, too quiet actually, yet I don’t listen to music.
Instead I march down the street, hear my breath flowing, feel the cool breeze on my skin, and let my thoughts drift.
Back to yesterday’s dance class, to all the memories that surfaced in me. To Lilly, how she stood in the middle of the street in Buenos Aires, how annoyed I was because she couldn’t tear herself away. To how I secretly watched her years later when she wanted to practice tango steps in her room but just couldn’t get them right. How frustrated she was, how disappointed.
For years she hadn’t talked about it anymore, had acted as if dancing didn’t mean anything to her. As if she had forgottenhow fascinated she’d been. As if she had given up the dream of dancing tango. At least that was what she let us see.
Inside her, though, it was always alive; she just lacked the courage to live it despite her missing talent. And only when it was too late for her does it seem to have become clear to her that that was a mistake.
My Lilly… little Camee, who could have managed everything together with her Jayjay, but still couldn’t tell him.
Was our connection really that close? Or was it only close for the pranks and silliness we cooked up together?
I bury my hands deeper in the pockets of my jacket and fight against the burning pain in my chest. It stays, but I endure it, just like the thoughts of my sister and of the place that will appear in my field of vision any moment now.
The house, Jaden. When was the last time you were there?As so often since Mom’s call last week, her words are inside me.
Until now I’ve done everything I could to silence them. Today her voice echoes inside me while I fish Lilly’s list out of the breast pocket of my jacket and look for the item Nyla brought up yesterday on the way home.
6. Create the most beautiful garden in the world.
She suggested we tackle that next and told me proudly about her newly discovered green thumb and an orchid that seemed especially important to her. I couldn’t decide, Nyla looked as if she understood, even though she couldn’t understand. After that, she didn’t mention the list again.