‘We’ll do all of that.’ My voice is too hoarse to sound convincing. ‘Get yourself examined, then we’ll see how we can go on.’
A wistful smile flits across his face. He brushes my hair back from my forehead. ‘Come on, let’s run away together. Seethe world, save sea turtles, climb Vesuvius, cuddle with koalas.’ There is so much longing in his gaze, and I understand what is driving him.
He no longer ignores the fact that he might be ill; he just has a completely different idea than I do of what our future should look like in that case. I’ve seen too many patients die after months in the hospital not to be able to understand his thoughts.
At the same time, I can’t agree. ‘That would be wrong.’
‘Come with me.’ He begs me as if he hadn’t heard me. ‘Let’s just be happy together.’
‘That’s not enough for me,’ I reply sadly. ‘I still want to sit with you in the garden in ten, twenty, thirty years. I want something that is more than just the moment: a future.’
He presses his lips together. ‘But that’s what I want too.’
Yes, it makes sense to him, but not to me. ‘But I can’t be happy with you when I know that this happiness could be an illusion.’ Like a shimmering soap bubble that might burst.
For a while we look at each other and I begin to hope. But then he takes a step back, his hand slides from my cheek. Melancholy dominates his features, and I know that I am going to lose him.
‘And what about this?’ I ask, pulling the bag with Lilly’s torn-up bucket list out of my pocket.
‘Where did you get that?’ His voice sounds rough.
‘You promised her.’ Ignoring his question, I turn the bag in my hand. ‘You promised her you’d experience all of this for her.’
That’s what he has to remember, even if it’s only for a single moment. I want to hand him the bag, but he makes no move to take it.
‘You don’t have to decide right away, just keep it with you,’ I try again. ‘For Lilly.’
‘I…’ He draws in a sharp breath. ‘I don’t think she…’
‘No, don’t say anything now,’ I beg him. ‘Think about it in peace, and then we’ll talk.’
He needs time, that much is clear to me. But what if it’s not enough? What if neither my words nor his promise to his sister nor time itself is enough? What if accepting his decision is the only way to be with him?
A happiness with an unknown expiration date.
A life with an uncertain future.
The fear of this scenario tightens around my throat, but I know there’s nothing left I could say. So I lower my lids and tuck the bag into his jacket pocket.
‘Think about it.’ Tears push into the corners of my eyes. ‘I love you, Jaden,’ I say, my voice hoarse, and walk away.
Chapter Forty-Four
JADEN
I’m crouched on the sofa, arms wrapped around my knees. The last light of the day falls in through the window. The sky slowly turns orange, then red. As if blazing away could keep it from having to surrender to the night.
I watch the spectacle without really seeing it. Again and again, my gaze drifts back to the coffee table.
The bag is lying there. Transparent, slightly crumpled. Inside, the scraps of paper. White, some with pencil marks, some folded.
I tore up this list irrevocably before I drove to Lilly’s house this morning.
You don’t have to decide right away, just keep it with you.That’s what Nyla said before she slipped the bag into my pocket.
And she saidI love you, her voice choked with tears, but so urgent that her words are still echoing inside me.
I love you too, I wanted to call after her, but my voice was only a soundless croak.