My God, his cancer could be at a much earlier stage than it was back then with Lilly or even with me. With treatment, his chances of recovery could be eighty to ninety percent.
‘What is it then?’ my boss asks.
I stare at him, having no idea what to tell him. ‘I couldn’t sleep last night,’ I finally answer, even though that alone isn’t the reason for the state I’m in.
That this morning I went to Jaden’s apartment to talk to him calmly one more time, but he didn’t open the door. That I used the spare key to check whether he really wasn’t there. That Lilly’s bucket list lay on the floor, torn into hundreds of pieces like a memorial. That I texted and called him without success, that nobody knows where he is, not even Ray.
Those are at least as valid reasons for my condition as the sleepless night.
‘I’m sorry, but this can’t go on.’ Dr. Franks lets out a long breath. ‘First you almost have a panic attack in the preliminary interview because you’re assigned to the emergency exchangeprogram. Then, at the first sign of a harmless cold, you suspect a life-threatening illness, scare our patients, and burden the clinic with unnecessary tests.’
I lower my lids. As much as I’d like to contradict him, I can’t. He’s right, that’s how it was. Ever since I started here at Halifax Harbor Hospital, my life as a doctor has been one big roller coaster ride.
But with Jaden, I’m sure. Okay, I don’t have a definitive diagnosis. Still…
‘Lately I thought you were getting back on track.’ A wistful smile flits across his face. ‘You were more balanced, less fanatic, you were taking appropriate care of our patients.’
That’s the truth, and it’s probably also true that Jaden is the one who brought about that change. All those little moments when he made sure I smiled, that I felt free, that I let go. The situations where he stood in the way of my fear so I could breathe again.
He turned me into a different person. A different person with a better life.
Was I that person yesterday too, or did that old fear inside me make me see things that might not even exist? Just like back then with the patient who had trouble swallowing?
Maybe I should go over the case with Dr. Franks, get his neutral opinion on it. Would he agree with me, or would my suspicion alone be yet another piece of evidence for him that I’m not a good doctor?
‘But now you seem less resilient than ever before.’ My boss looks at me sadly. ‘Maybe you’re just not ready yet to work as a doctor again.’
‘No, I am,’ I reply hastily, discarding the idea of discussing Jaden’s symptoms with him. Without a biopsy and a full-body scan, after everything that’s happened in the last few weeks, hewon’t take me seriously. No doctor would. ‘I want to work.’ It’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Preserving life, increasing chances, giving the gift of time. That’s why I became a doctor, and there’s nothing else I want to be.
‘But in this condition you can’t treat patients, you understand that.’
His words echo inside me, again and again and again, and I feel that he’s right.
As long as the old Nyla is speaking through me, I can’t be a good doctor. The one who sees danger everywhere. The one who accepts no contradiction, who is stubborn and unyielding.
The one I was yesterday.
And maybe that was exactly what scared Jaden even more than his potential diagnosis. He didn’t show it, but what if a whole world collapsed behind his façade?
Not just because he might be ill. But also because of my behavior. How was it again? What did he say to me in the garden yesterday?
There was never any room for fear at home, just like there wasn’t for grief or weakness.
That’s it. It’s not just about grief, because he’s gradually faced that over the past few days.
It’s about fear. Jaden’s fear of losing something that means the world to him. It sits so deep in his soul that it didn’t even surface when I told him about my illness.
The fact that I’m healthy now mattered to him; everything else seemed meaningless to him, and that was easy, because in that moment everything was fine.
But now he’s afraid – he has my fear.
The one that robs him of everything, his hopes, his dreams, his freedom. The one that poisons him, no matter how hard he fights it.
It’s there, and it gives him no choice.
‘Dr. Moore?’