"You mean, just like your blood test results and your claim to be in perfect health?" I raise my eyebrows in challenge. My body may be exhausted, but my mind is functioning perfectly.
In an instant, his jaw clenches. "You're always on duty, aren't you?"
Because I have to be! If I were to allow myself tolook at him with the eyes of a woman, everything inside me would turn soft.
I shrug. "It's my calling to help people," I reply, determined not to change the subject. "And when I can save lives through my work, it just makes me happy."
Keeping his gaze straight ahead, he continues walking along the forest path. "Saving lives?"
I nod eagerly. "The most beautiful moment is when you enter the waiting area after a strenuous operation and can inform the family members that everything went well," I gush. "Or when someone receives their diagnosis and begins to realize that after a long journey of suffering, they finally have a future perspective." My God, how much I miss that. The hustle and bustle of the hospital. The feeling of making a significant contribution with my work.
He looks directly at me. "That sounds like there's a fantastic doctor inside you."
Now, it's me who averts my gaze with a nod. I look ahead, where the path widens. The trees give way, revealing a sun-drenched clearing on the plateau.
Noah clears his throat. "Why do you work for Helene, anyway?"
His question hits me like a punch. "It just happened," I respond evasively and continue toward the clearing. At the end of the lush green meadow, I even think I can already see the lake. Some visitors bask in the sun on the wooden benches.
"Interesting," he says, burying his hands in the pockets of his gray hiking pants.
Silently, we continue walking until the lake, with its intense blue hue, lies before us. The sun makes the surface shimmer as if it were covered in diamonds.Truly beautiful. Who would have thought such a place was hidden among these ugly mountains?
I walk to the water's edge to savor the view for a moment. Suddenly, Noah stands so close beside me that our arms touch.
"You want me to let you examine me. You demand my trust," he says so softly that I can barely hear him. "And at the same time, you don't trust me at all."
So that's how he sees it. As much as I'd like to deny it, I lack the arguments. Feeling awkward, I lower my eyes and let my hiking shoe graze the tall blades of grass. If this is what he needs to trust me, then he deserves an answer. After all, it's about his health.
"My plan was always to complete my specialization as a neurologist after my internship year," I say meekly, feeling the pain of losing that future all over me. "But I lost the position at the hospital."
"What happened?" I hear Noah ask from a distance.
He's probably thinking of a medical error. Or a misdiagnosis. "I..." My voice falters. Because it's just too devastating to say out loud. Besides, I feel my nose swelling. Tears well up inside me. I quickly blink them away. "I was incredibly stupid," I murmur, gazing into the distance.
Suddenly, Noah nudges me. "Come on, let's go around the lake," he says and starts walking.
I follow him, and after just a few yards, he looks at me with such a compassionate expression that I need all my willpower not to run into his arms.
"Did someone die?" he asks almost in a whisper, as if he knows exactly what that means.
With lips pressed together, I shake my head. And suddenly, I can't help but let my eyes fill with tears.They carry all the anger and disappointment that have built up inside me. Since I made this colossal mistake, I've been holding them back. Releasing them now, here and now, feels like a dam breaking inside me.
"I wasn't there," I say even though it's only half the truth. "They beeped me, but I..." I couldn't resist the firefighter's insistence. I couldn't defend myself against the way Jonas looked at me.
Whether I want it or not, the past catches up with me like a storm surge. And suddenly, I'm no longer in the middle of nowhere by a deep blue forest lake but in the sterile on-call room of the Vienna clinic.
"Stay with me," Jonas pleads in my memory. "I love you, Elina."
Torn inside, I look at him. I know it's wrong. No matter how warmly his words wrap around my deepest longing, I have to go. "Wait here, I'll be back soon."
His gaze drifts to his noticeably bulging pants. "You can't just leave me like this."
My pager goes off again. My colleagues have already called me three times. Anxiously, I look back and forth between Jonas and the door. "You shouldn't have come."
"But I had to see you," he replies, taking my face in his hands and pulling me close. His rugged masculine scent clouds my senses. "I don't want to spend a second without you."
"And I don't want to be without you," I say helplessly before he passionately kisses me. Even though we've only known each other for a short time, and even though I know nothing about him, I can't resist the feeling of being desired by him. I'm addictedto his attention. To him, I'm not the invisible ghost that no one notices. He sees me.