I don’t have to go back to work until next week, so I can take my time getting settled at home. Another plan I made with my therapist was to make it a home. Buy furniture I like, design it the way I like. It’s my house, I live there, and it should be comfortable.
My flight is on time, the ride smooth, and we get in a little early. I text Nash as I wait for my ride share. Even this late at night it takes forever to get home. I can’t say I’m happy to be here, but it is slightly relieving to be back in a place I’m familiar with, even if it isn’t exactly welcoming. I’ll get to fixing that.
I leave the suitcase by my closet, undress down to my underwear, and drop into bed. I’d hired a cleaner to come in a few days ago, this way I wouldn’t have to worry about whatever mess happened while I was gone. Mostly I just wanted fresh sheets and nothing covered in a layer of dust.
I fall asleep quickly. Then morning is here. I shower and get dressed to leave, stopping at a cafe to grab breakfast and a coffee. My first stop is the post office to grab my mail. There’s nothing here that’s important, just some junk and bills. Next, I stop at the grocery store to refill my fridge and cabinets, since I got rid of everything before I left. I take my time putting things away as I listen to a history podcast. My therapist said listening to something while I’m home will help me not feel so lonely.
It helped when I was in the cabin, which was a lot more remote than this. Loneliness started to set in after the first week, but I quickly learned to deter my brain and focus on something important. Like figuring my shit out. Miles was always a nice distraction. His pretty face. His scent. That smile…
When there’s nothing left to busy myself with, I drop onto my couch and pull up the text conversation with Miles.
I texted him before I left. It’s read, but there’s no response. Same way it’s been since the day I sent it.
Me:
I’m leaving for a while to get my head straight. I hope we can talk when I get back.
Maybe it was a little too vague, but it felt better to say less at the time. Now, I want to spill my heart all over again. I only hope he’ll listen.
Chapter 33
Miles
Audrey and Noah are on a mother-son outing for the day. They went into the city and have all sorts of fun things planned. They’d asked if I wanted to go, but I told them to go enjoy themselves—I’m always tagging along. It’s not that I didn’t want to go, I just want them to function on their own without me too. It’s good for them to bond like this, especially because Audrey has been working so much lately. They’re short-staffed at the hospital—aren’t they always?—and she’s been working extra.
She’s eager now to get a first shift position, but she said there hasn’t been any available. I’ve told her to look elsewhere. She doesn’t have to stay at the hospital, and maybe going somewhere else, somewhere more relaxed like a rehabilitation center would be less tiring for her.
I stay in bed until nearly eleven, then finally crawl out and throw on some athletic shorts and a t-shirt. I need to clean the house today. Order groceries. Do laundry. All the fun stuff that being an adult has you doing on your days off.
I strip my bed and toss the sheets into a pile before remaking it, then gather the rest of my laundry and start a load before going through my cabinets and adding all the items I need to a delivery. It takes me a couple hours to get everything done, and by that time, the delivery is here, and I break out in a sweat as I carry all the bags upstairs and put them away.
When I’m done with all my tasks, I shower and put on pajama pants. I don’t plan on going anywhere. My mood hasn’t been the best.
I try not to think of JJ all the time, but it’s not easy to just forget him. I wonder what he’s doing, where he’s at, and when he’s coming back. Does he think of me? Will he want to talk to me when he gets back? His text said so, but that was before. Things could change while he’s away, doing whatever it is he’s doing.
I hope that wherever he is, he’s looked at his life and figured out what he wants and needs. Not for my benefit, or anyone else’s, but for him. He deserves to be happy, whatever that means for him. He told me he knows what he wants, but how can he? It seems he’s had his life dictated to him since he married Franklin.
I hate thinking about that. Just the thought of JJ being with someone else,marryingsomeone, makes me sick. He’s such an amazing man. Someone good deserves him. He has a big heart, even if he doesn’t know how to show it. Franklin sounds like an ungrateful asshole who doesn’t deserve any part of JJ. Yet he got to marry him. But what do I know? It seems I didn’t know JJ at all…
With a heavy sigh, I get comfortable on the couch with my blanket and find something to watch on TV. Though I bought enough groceries to last me the whole week and more, I don’t want to cook anything. Pizza it is.
My phone is ringing when I’m walking up the stairs with the pizza and assume it’s Audrey updating me on what they’re doing and when they’ll be home. The phone screen is lit up on the coffee table, and I catch a glimpse of the caller before it ends.
JJ.
“Holy shit,” I mutter, nearly dropping the pizza as I trip over my own feet to get to the phone. I put the pizza on the table and pick up my phone, staring at it. If someone saw my reaction, I’d be a little embarrassed at the desperation, but thankfully no one is around.
A text comes in.
JJ:
Hoping you’re busy and not ignoring me. Call me back if you want to talk.
I’ve never hit the call button so fast.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hi,” I say in disbelief that I’m even talking to him. I wasn’t sure I’d talk to him ever again. I didn’t like that.