“I’m sorry I wasn’t,” he adds, his voice also so tired.
“I don’t know what you expect to happen here—”
“Miles, I just wanted to tell you the truth,” he says sincerely. “That’s it. I needed to let you know everything. That’s all.”
“I don’t know if I can trust you, JJ. I mean… you’ve been lying to me this whole time. Hiding a whole other life. A husband. I could handle you keeping the stuff with your parents to yourself until we got closer, but this Franklin thing? You should have told me about this on night one and let me decide if I wanted to get involved.”
Nodding, he says, “You’re right. I know I fucked up. But I didn’t expect things to get so… like this. I didn’t think I’d see you again. The more we talked and hung out, the harder it was to come clean because I…” He takes a deep breath. “I knew it was wrong, and I knew telling you at this point risked ruining everything, and I’m just so tired of ruining things. And that’s not my life anymore, so it felt like, at the same time, there wasn’t a reason to tell you.”
“But it was,” I say firmly. “Regardless of how bad your marriage was, it still happened. It’s still a thing. That’s the life you wanted, the life you were protecting.”
“It’s all I knew.” His voice cracks.
I want to give in. Hug him. Tell him it’s okay. But I have to hold my ground. I’m upset, and I won’t keep giving pieces of myself to people who don’t deserve it. I’ve done that before… I won’t do it again.
“And I understand that, but like you said, it doesn’t take back everything you’ve done. You’ve had many opportunities to explain what’s going on. And when I figured it outaccidentally,you got angry with me.”
“I am so sorry for that,” he whispers, looking down at his clasped hands. “I never should have reacted that way, I was just so scared of losing you.” It’s quiet for a moment, then he adds, “Had I told you I was married from day one… what then?”
“I don’t know,” I say with a slight shake of my head. “But at least I would have known that I can trust you.” He holds my gaze, and I can’t tell if he wants to say something, but I know I need to. I also want him to understand me as much as he wants me to understand him. “I was in a really bad relationship for a few years. Derek was the king of assholes and the worst type of manipulator. He lied all the time and did it so well. And though I know you’re not him, it’s hard to not feel the same waysometimes. The memories of that pain come back too quickly, and I’m sure you know exactly what I mean when I say that.”
“I do. I really do, and I am so fucking sorry.” JJ gets on his knees in front of me, taking my hands and looking me in the eyes. His are red-rimmed. Tired. Dull. “Miles, you’re the one who’s made me realize that I deserve more. You make me happy. You… you make me feel like I can have the life I really want. When I’m with you, I feel safe, like I can be open and vulnerable and not have to worry… it just took me too long to realize that, and I fucked up along the way.”
I speak softly, and say, “I’m glad I can give that to you, but what happens when you meet the next one who makes you realize something else? A little something more?”
“No, I—”
“You need to figure this out for you, JJ. Not for me or anyone else. You need to make these decisions for yourself, not because of me.” I pull my hands away and lean back, putting some space between us. “I know what I want in life. And I want to be with someone who knows the same.”
“But I know what I want,” he says firmly.
“At the expense of my feelings,” I say, my voice cracking. I get to my feet. This conversation needs to be over. I can’t handle anymore. I won’t allow him to see me cry. As much as I want to hug him and tell him everything will be okay, I can’t. Because I’ll be hurting myself, and I give enough of myself to everyone else. There has to be boundaries.
“Miles, I’m sorry…”
I turn to face him. “I know you are. But… it doesn’t fix anything, JJ.”
He gets up, standing just a foot from me. “So, you can’t forgive me?”
“Right now, I can’t even think straight. I’m sorry, but this is affecting me way more than I expected it to.”
He gives a small, understanding nod. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I swear it wasn’t my intention.”
“I believe you. You’re not a bad person.”
He huffs a humorless laugh. “Pretty sure my actions say otherwise.” He moves toward the door, but I take his wrist. He looks up at me.
“You’re just lost. Stop worrying about everyone else. Me. Franklin. Nash. Hollis. Guys at work. Take some time to think aboutyou. Don’t listen to anything anyone has ever said or will say. Don’t take anyone’s advice. Listen to yourself, JJ. Just you. That’s the only person who matters.”
He gives me a look that says he thinks it’s pointless. I let his wrist go, and he’s out the door.
Chapter 32
JJ
Three months later…
“When do you land?” Nash asks as I walk toward my gate, pulling my carry-on suitcase behind me. The airport is bustling with people rushing to get to their gates and make their flights. I’ve been bumped into a handful of times already. My phone starts to slide from my shoulder, so I shove my wallet back into my pocket and grab the cell to hold it to my ear.