“Okay…”
“I’m married.” I say the words quickly, just needing to get them out.
“Married?” Miles repeats slowly, his expression not changing.
“Yeah, but—” I add quickly.
“You’remarried?” he says again, this time emphasizing the married part.
“Yes, but it’s not what you think,” I say quickly.
Miles huffs a disbelieving laugh, shaking his head.
“I don’t know what to think, JJ.” His voice is a little louder now. “Of all the things I thought you were about to tell me, this wasn’t one of them.”
“I should have told you sooner.”
He gets to his feet. “Yeah, no shit.”
“I’m not done,” I plead.
“I don’t know if I can listen to any more of this. Are you just trying to shove the knife deeper?”
“No,’ I say adamantly. “No, I am not trying to hurt you. That’s the opposite of what I want to do. I want to fix this, but I don’t know how. I just want to tell you the truth—all of it.”
“Kind of hard to do that when you have a husband—well, I assume, husband. Are you actually married to a woman? Because that would be the icing on the cake.” His tone is up a few pitches now, the hysteria setting in. I’m upsetting him more. I fucking suck at this.
“It’s a man. It’s… Franklin.”
“Ah, yeah… Makes sense,” he says softly, then sits back down on the couch.
I watch him for a long moment as he processes the information. All I can do is tread lightly and pray that he will let me finish this… let me tell him all of my truths.
“Everything I am about to say is going to sound like an excuse, but I swear I just want to explain. I just want you to know.” He doesn’t look at me, but I keep going. Because now that I’ve started, I can’t stop.
Chapter 31
Miles
My body is hot and cold at the same time. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it’s happening. And my head… it’s too quiet, making everything around me too loud even though there is no noise.
JJ is married? I thought maybe he was messing around with other people, maybe had a boyfriend, but I never expected him to bemarried. He was too… free to be tied down in that way. Didn’t have to be home at a certain time. Called me late at night. I was at his house, and it never felt like anyone else lived there. It doesn’t make sense.
And I can’t begin to wrap my head around the rest of the trauma he’s endured. What kind of sick monster was his father? He forced his three boys to watch him kill their mother and thenhimself? That’s some crazy movie shit, not what happens in real life.
Of course I know it happens in real life, but it’s what you hear about… and it never feels real. But this is real. This is his life, his story. This is what’s made him who he is today.
Terrible things happen to people, and it messes them up. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to be a therapist. I wanted to help people with their trauma and live a normal, healthy life despite what they’d gone through. Losing my parents was traumatic enough, I can’t imagine losing them in the way JJ lost his. How do you get out of bed after that? How do you move forward at all? How do you not live each day with that image on repeat?
It’s terrible and sad… but it doesn’t excuse his behavior, which we have both stated. He can’t lie to people just because he has shit to deal with. I mean, he can—he can do whatever he wants—but I don’t have to deal with it, nor do I want to. I want a calm life. I want to settle down. I’d forgotten about my dream to get married and have my own kids when Noah was born, but JJ made me remember what I want for myself. The more time that goes on, the more I piece together the life I want. It’s easier to imagine now—and being with a married man isn’t part of that. I do want to hear him out, though.
“Then explain,” I finally say.
He regards me for a long moment, before sighing and running his hand through his hair.
“We’ve been married for fourteen years—”
“Fourteen years?” I scoff. “Holy shit,” I mutter to myself, closing my eyes. Unbelievable. Fourteen years? That’s like half my life!