I stand there with my feet glued to the ground, my chest aching, and the little voice in my head screaming at me that I’m a fucking idiot.
I just stand there as Miles gives me his back and walks away. I hear him gather his things. Hear him open and close the door. His car starts and then the sound fades as he drives off.
Rage overtakes me, and I look around for something to hit or throw, but I’ve been down that road too many times and all it does is make me feel stupid after. So, I grit my teeth and call the only person I can rely on.
“What’s up?” my brother answers.
“I fucked up.”
“No shit,” he laughs.
“This isn’t funny,” I bark.
“Okay,” he says carefully, his tune changing immediately when he realizes this is serious. “What’s going on?”
I word vomit everything. Every little detail. I hold nothing back. Nothing.
What I need is Nash’s tough love. I need him to tell me how stupid I am and that I’m fucking up something good. Maybe if he says it, I’ll hear it… really hear it.
I ramble on for who knows how long. When I’m done, I’m panting and in my living room—I don’t remember walking out here, but here I am, staring at the couch Miles and I were just cuddling on. I don’t cuddle. I’m not an affectionate person. Yet, with him I am.
“Yeah, so you fucked up,” he says. “How are you going to fix it?”
“If I knew how to fix it, I wouldn’t be talking to you,” I snap.
“JJ, I’ve always tried to lay everything out in front of you so you can make your own decision. I don’t want to pretend to beour father and shout orders at you or tell you what to do. You need to do that on your own.”
“All I do is make the wrong fucking decisions,” I growl, tears stinging my eyes. “What the fuck am I doing with my life, Nash? I’m married to a man who fucking hates me and treats me like shit. I’m lying to the one guy I actually like, who is good to me, and for some reason, keeps coming back. Now I’m being fucking cruel to him, too.”
“I don’t think Franklin hates you—”
“I’m miserable. I have something good right in front of my face and I’m fucking it up for Franklin. FuckingFranklin?”
“Mhmm.”
“Fuck,” I hiss, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“You know,” he starts carefully. “This isn’t all to do with Franklin.”
“The fuck does that mean?” I ask.
He lets out a long sigh. “You didn’t do anything wrong, JJ. None of us did. Stop punishing yourself.”
“You should take your own advice,” I say, biting back the emotion so I don’t throw up.
“Yeah… probably. But it’s easier to tell you to do it—and right now, it’s what you need to hear.”
I clear my throat and take a deep breath, trying to get my shit together. I think I may actually pass out.
“Did you tell Hollis that you’re moving?” I ask, needing to change the subject.
“Yeah. He, uh… asked if he could come with me.”
“What did you tell him?”
“That I think New York is a bad place for him.”
“He’s an adult, Nash.”