“Fear of missing out.”
“No. I know what it is, I just never expected you to say it.”
Only Killian could make me laugh after everything I just went through.
“Anything else I missed out on?”
He strokes my hair gently, staring at me, his gaze is filled with emotion.
“Yes, I realized I can’t live without you. So I hope you understand when I never let you out of my sight again.”
“If you can ever look at me again.” I say under my breath.
He places his fingers under my chin and tilts my head back gently.
“I’m looking at you right now, baby. Nothing has changed. I know you’re feeling a lot of things, and that’s your right. Feel everything you need to, Killer. As long as you know nothing has changed. Not for us.”
I have cried so much my tear ducts should be dry but more wetness coats my cheeks.
“Everything has changed for me. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m not the same woman you knew before. I’m not strong and I don’t want to kill Jedediah. Not anymore.”
Killian stares at me, his eyes brimming with emotion. He’s breaking with me, and I don’t want that for him or any of them.
“Okay, baby. What do you want then?”
I shut my eyes tight, unable to look at him as I confess the darkest truth I have ever known.
“I want to crawl into a hole and die.”
After hearing three sharp intakes of breath, I open my eyes and spot a solitary tear traveling down his cheek.
He’s quiet, trying to avoid saying the wrong thing when Knox asks, “Tesoro, you're safe now. Why do you want to die?”
Killian holds my hand, and they all wait patiently for me to answer. My perfect men, that I no longer deserve.
“As you’re holding my hand, I feel him. I’m afraid I’ll never only feel your touches again. He will always be there. His disgusting breath fanning over my skin, the grunts of pleasure from using my body, the painful thrusting of his dick. And if by some miracle I did forget all those things, I’m—branded for life. You will never look at me and not see me having sex with him.”
“Eyes on me,” Carter says, and when I turn to him, I’m surprised to find his gaze furious as he stares back at me.
“We did not see you having sex with him. You can feel whatever the fuck you feel, but I won’t let you blame yourself and make it sound consensual. That was fucking rape. A violent, aggravated rape. We will call it what it was. Stop blaming yourself. I don’t fucking care how normal it is. I will not tolerate it.”
“Carter,” Knox warns.
I watch him as he takes a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, Little Heathen. I don’t want you to torture yourself or take things on that aren’t your fault, but I’m probably going the wrong way about expressing it. Knox is better at this shit.”
I lean my head against his shoulder and allow myself to get lost in his scent. It’s calming, and takes me away to better times.
“You’re better at it than you think, Carter.”
“Can I touch you?” He asks, and the sobs are instant. Simply being asked for consent means more to me right now than it ever has.
“I want to say yes, but right now I have to say no.”
I love all of them, and I don’t want to hurt them, but for right now I need to be in control. I need to say no if for no other reason than I can.
He tucks his hands under his legs.