Myfather. The hot water beat down on me, taking with it all my rage and leftover guilt. I was going to betray him. I was going to ruineverythinghe worked so hard for, and I sent all my doubts trickling down the drain.
Obedience and fear—that was his parenting method, but ultimately, he failed. I wasn’t his victim and I wouldneverbe a victim again. I was a force to be reckoned with, and hewouldget his reckoning.
Painfully and bitterly.
I pulled on my white linen pajamas and wiped away the last of my tears before opening the bathroom door, about to shuffle back to bed, when—
“Good morning.”
I jumped back at the sight of Alex, sleepy, no shirt, and an incredibly silly and delightful smile on his face. His hand was raised, as if he was about to knock.
“Sorry. I don’t know why I wanted to knock. The shower turned off a long time ago and I…”
He trailed off, but I lost no time—I jumped into his arms, knowing that he would catch me.
And he did.
He stumbled back toward the bed, all of me wrapped around him, both of us laughing—in our secret world. He was so warm, so big, so comfortable, and I drowned in his kiss. His lips were the softest on the planet. His touch was gentle and reverent, and finally, his fingers traveled under my shirt. Oh God, my tongue licked his, and I just wanted him totouchme. My body tingled with anticipation, all of me demanding it, but…he redirected his hand to my back.
I pulled him further into the bed, my mind frenzied and my hand slipping down his chest to what Isowanted to finally fucking see and hold in my hand. Alex pulled back slightly,looking down to where my fingers hovered right at the band of his sweatpants.
"Jade?” His voice cut through the air, cruelly interrupting my actions. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
I blinked at him, registering the doubt in his voice. Did…did he not? Maybe hedidn't.
The realization that I completely misread the situation screamed inside my head. I swallowed, pulling my hand away.
“I-I’m confused,” I admitted, albeit with great difficulty. “Do you not want to?” I whispered, noticing his eyes filled with as much uncertainty as his last question.
At this, he slumped down on the bed in front of me, exhaling loudly and burying his face in the sheets. I sat there frozen, looking at him lying between my legs, his hands over his head, my mind collapsing on itself.
“I want you so much, I can barely breathe,” Alex spoke into the sheets, his words muffled, yet very clear. He quickly lifted his head up, wrapping his arms around my calves, finally meeting my eyes. "I just…I don’t want you to do anything because you think this is what I want, becauseIwant it, but…” Alex trailed off, talking in circles. “I don’t want to do something that you’re not sure about. I don’t want to do anything that you won’t enjoy or will make you uncomfortable.”
The clock ticked in the silence between us as I stared down at this man—thehugeman—sprawled out in front of me, looking like a damn puppy.
Very interesting. This had never happened to me before. For someone to lay it out like that. For someone to double—even triple—check. For someone to make sureIwas still sure.
“I’m not a virgin and I'm not made of glass.” I joked for my own sanity. “I won't shatter if you squeeze my boob, but…areyoua virgin? Because I swear, just from one look at you,women probably send you their thongs in the mail!" I giggled, the remark mildly relaxing me.
I was facing a deadly combination: Alex was tall, dark, and handsome.Andcaring.Andconsiderate.
I was ready to combust, just focusing on breathing in enough air not tomoan.Not to beg. I looked him over, my body flooding with sensations of what it would be like to have him against me. Sweaty, panting, gluing me to him.
Jesus Christ.
"That's only happened a few times." He pulled me out of my thoughts with his silly comment. "I'm thirty-four, but I’ve never felt…what I feel for you, Jade. And I’ve never been this apprehensive.” His eyes spelled out the issue, but he sat up and pulled in closer, clasping my cheeks in his hands. “I want everything. I want all of you, fuck, I—”
He broke off, his eyes begging me to understand. “But I can’t touch you…until I know exactly how you want it. And if you put your hand in my pants, I won’t be able to—” We both struggled to breathe, the deprivation killing us. “I won’t be able to stop.” He finally finished his sentence, his lips ghosting on mine.
We sat there, a millimeter away, but a barrier between us, and I held back my tears because Alex was so worried.For me.It would have been so easy for him to take anything he wanted, but my past had meaning to him.
And that was everything to me.
“You’re not the man who hurt me,” I whispered into his cheek, settling into the pillows and dragging him onto me. “I just want…” My fingers were on his lips, feeling how hot he was. How much he held back. “Maybe if we just start slow.” I gulped, the thought both ridiculous and genius. “Like teenagers.”
He shut his eyes and chuckled, sitting up and swiping back his dark hair. Waiting. I leaned against the headboard, my eyes on his, my fingers on the buttons of my pajama top.
“See? Like this?”