I let out a slow breath and shook my head. I was tired of pretending that mess didn’t drain me, tired of patching up peace in a place that stayed cracked, and tired of walking past struggle as if it didn’t belong to me. I kept it pushing, but in my chest, a stubborn hope stirred inside of me.
One day I’ma get out of here for good… but not tonight.
By the time I made it to my best friend Lainey’s apartment building, my legs were screaming for me to sit down.
Lainey had been my best friend since freshman year of high school. We’d been stuck together in homeroom; two girls with nothing in common except that we didn’t fit in anywhere else. She was loud and fearless. Then there was me… quiet but stubborn. Somewhere along the way, that mix turned into sisterhood. On the nights I had to work, she’d watch my brother for me. I trusted Lainey with him more than I trusted most of my family.
She lived on the third floor of a red-brick walk-up, so I took the stairs slowly. The smell of hair grease and burnt popcorn seeped out of one of the tenants’ door, and I could hear a baby crying somewhere in the back. When I approached her door, I half-wanted to turn around. Two dudes were posted against the wall near her neighbor’s door. A blunt glowed between them, as smoke curled in lazy spirals. One of them was looking at me alittle too long, like he forgot how to blink. The other just gave me a quick nod and a slick little grin.
“Sup, yellow-bone. Damn that ass fat.” That comment came from the one staring too hard.
He was licking his lips like the winter wind had been chapping them all day, and I was the first sign of warmth he’d seen.
Paying him no mind, I fished in my bag for the spare key Lainey had given me when she first got the apartment.
“Damn… you just gon’ ignore a nigga?”
“Yup,” I muttered, putting the key in the lock as if I didn’t hear the desperation clinging to his ego.
“Shid… I was just trying to see you smile. You look like you’ve had a long day. I’m just trying to brighten it. And I do think one compliment deserves another.”
I paused, then exhaled through my nose, and faced him. “If you’re trying to impress a female likeme,you might wanna start bynottreating every woman like she owes you attention just for surviving your little weak-ass compliments. You telling me I got a big ass isn’t a revelation; I was there when it grew.”
His smirk twitched.
“If you wanted to come correct,” I continued, stepping a little closer but keeping my distance, “you could’ve led with, ‘Hey, you look like you had a long day. Can I take you to get something to eat? Maybe put a little gas in your tank, lighten the load a bit?’ Now that might’ve gotten you a conversation… maybe even a number if the vibe was right.”
I turned back to my door, unlocking it halfway before glancing back one last time.
“But throwing tired lines from a hallway while blowing smoke in the air that smells like it was purchased with loose change?” I scrunched my nose, giving him a once-over. “Respectfully…no.Please try again on someone else because I’m not your target audience.”
I shot him a look so dry it could’ve sparked a drought.
I eased into the apartment and shut the door behind me without waiting for a comeback. Once inside, I closed my eyes and pressed my back against the door in exasperation. All I wanted was five seconds of peace.
No such luck.
“Well, look at you. Miss Honey Eyes just out here breaking hearts, and you don’t even know it,” Lainey called out, seated on the couch in a plush robe, wine glass in hand, and her legs curled under her.
I cracked one eye open and stared at her. “You heard that?” I asked, not moving from my spot.
She smirked and held up her phone, screen still lit from her Ring app. “Heard it? Girl, Iwatchedit. Not him trying to adopt you for the winter! That nigga looked at you like you was the plug for heat, food stamps,anda peace of mind.”
I rolled my eyes then strolled over to the couch and flopped down. “Girl, men get one whiff of cold air and start shopping for a wife with benefits. Nigga, I am not the solution to your seasonal depression. Whole time I’m running on caffeine and audacity.”
We cracked up. That laugh loosened the weight of the day just enough to breathe.
I glanced around, realizing someone was missing. “Where’s Kyrin?”
Lainey pointed near the hallway, towards the back room. “He’s asleep, bathed,andfed before you ask.” She sat back with pride. “We had beef tips smothered in gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, and dinner rolls. Andyes, I fixed you a plate. You’re welcome, bestie.”
I beamed. “I know you fed him,” I replied in a knowing tone. “And thank you for saving me a plate, because your girl isstarving. But how did he eat?” I asked in a more serious tone.
My brother was born with a hole in his heart and a name too strong for his diagnosis. His name meant lord—a name meant for warriors, and that’s exactly what he was. Kyrin had survived multiple surgeries, feeding tubes, hospital beds, and emergency runs that would’ve broken a grown man. When it came to him, eating took energy; too much could stress his system, and too little could trigger something else. His heartcouldn’t afford the strain. Every time he so much as coughed too hard, I flinched, every fever sent me spiraling, and every late-night ER visit chipped another piece off my sanity.
Now we wait for someone else’s end to be his beginning. I hate how cruel that sounds, but I pray for it anyway.
“Girl, you know Kyrin’s favorite line is,‘My heart might be a little weak, but I ain’t weak in the appetite.’He damn near cleaned his plate and mine!”