I don’t get it. She’s normally such a tough little shit, not afraid of anything. Why does something as natural as a thunderstorm have her so traumatized? “Listen and don’t judge?” I prompt. It’s a leisurely game my brothers and I—mostlythem—play during down time, and it comes to me now as a means of distracting her from the storm and the loss of her usual comforts.
“I feel like a child,” she responds, staring at the small space of comforter between us.
I’m not sure if she’s caught on to what I’m doing or if she’s simply lamenting. “You have a fear of thunderstorms. The rest of the time you’re more adult than anyone I know. And I’mnot judging. Now come on, tell me something evil you did this week.”
“Four sentences in a row. Did you hurt yourself?”
“There’s my smartass.”
Something warm is coming over me, softening my insides that are normally so rock solid. It’s oddly alleviating, like something inside of me is learning it’s okay to let go. Normally I have to venture into the woods or walk by the river, allowing myself to be lulled by the sway of the trees and the sporadic bird song to achieve a feeling like this. But here I am, coming by it while indoors, in bed with my…mywife. That word still knocks me for a loop and makes me want to shake myself awake from a dream.
“I got a free soda refill at Beth’s when I wasn’t supposed to,” Molly confesses.
“Shit,” I scoff hard. “I’m not judging. But am I going to have to go out and get ingredients for a complicated chocolate torte tomorrow?”
“Shut up,” she grumbles along with the thunder that is becoming more distant. “Your turn.”
I let out a frazzled sigh as I rack my brain for something that might make her laugh. “Yesterday, I asked River if he’d followed up on the rabid jackalope that had been squatting in the North Garnet deer blind. The adorable idiot acted like he knew what I was talking about and spent the next three hours looking for paperwork and making phone calls.” I feel my chest rumble, unable to keep from chuckling. “Then he grabbed all the protective padding from our gear room and a tranq gun and sure enough headed out there.”
“I thought jackalopes weren’t real.”
“They’re not.”
Her lips part and her eyes narrow in the dark. “You’re so mean!” She tries to be serious, but her voice stutters over a laugh. “You’re mean, but I would take it,” she sighs.
“Take what?”
“The torture that comes with having a sibling so long as it meant I’d get to have one.”
I quietly consider that for a moment before a distant boom of thunder echoes from considerably farther away. I squeeze her hand. “I think the worst has passed.”
“Will you still keep talking to me?”
“Of course.”
“Thanks,” she whispers sweetly as the lightning flashes in a duller flicker than before.
I think long and hard for something to tell her and even debate making up something stupid. But we’ve been trying to make this marriage real, trying to plant seeds that will hopefully bloom into feelings. And so I decide to test the waters with a confession that actually goes beneath the surface. “Every night when you’re sleeping…” I steel myself before continuing, then dare to look at her. “I move a little closer to you.”
Molly’s eyes widen and dart up to mine, like she’s searching for any trace of a lie. She’s quiet a moment, like she’s not sure of what she really just heard. “You do?”
I nod.
“Why?”
I think back to that first time, how I’d watched her breath, moving her body upward and then settling back down. Beautiful and peaceful to my eyes and ears, and how I could feel her warmth without even touching her. I could feel it so strong, and I could smell her scent that made me think of wildflowers beaming in the sun.
Releasing a breath, I tell her. “At first, it was just to see what it was like.” I shake my head slightly, thinking I must sound likea clueless idiot. “And I liked it. I haven’t crossed any boundaries, but being near you while we sleep… It’s nice.”
Molly’s eyes cast downward a moment as she thinks about my words. And then she swallows, looking back up at me. “Listen and don’t judge?”
I nod.
“Maybe I want to see what that’s like.”
“Being close?”
She nods again and then startles with another pound of thunder.