Vivienne was more than my mate—she was my heart.Mychest felt hollow now asIlooked around the empty mansion.
There was nothing to do but pack my things and leave…leave the memory of everythingI’dever loved and try to go back home and get on with my life.
FIFTY-FOUR
VIVIENNE
Would you be surprised ifItold youIstarted my brand new life inColorado?Infact, inKor’shometown—the place he was going to take me before we started our tour of the world.
I know it sounds dramatic, butIwanted to feel close to him—or at least, close to his memory.Becauseby then,Iwas sure he was dead.Therehad been reports all over the news about a tiny town calledBlackridgewhere half the male population had been murdered by a wild beast.WasKorone of the dead?
I was sure he was.Howcould he live through all the gunshotsIheard being fired?Orthe attacks by any of the otherAlphaswho might have managed toShift?Hewas gone—out of my life—andIwould have to find a way to go on without him.
Thankful again for all the moneyCarterhad left me,Irented a little cottage on the outskirts ofKor’shometown.Ithought of going to visit his business…butIdecided against it.Itwould make me too sad, andIwas already crying myself to sleep every night.
I was miserable—even thoughIwas trying to go on with my life, nothing seemed to matter.WhatdidIhave to live for without my mate?Nothing, as far asIcould see.Icouldn’t eat…couldn’t sleep…it was possibly the worst time of my life—even worse than the beginning of my marriage toCarter.
And then, about a month afterI’dfinally gotten settled in the little cottage,Istarted feeling sick every morning.
I told myself it couldn’t be.I’dbeen barren for so long.ButthenIremembered the breeding belly theBeasthad given me.Ithadn’t gone down for days.Onthe plane ride toColorado, one of the stewardesses had asked me whenIwas due.
Now it might be time to ask again—this time for real.Iwent to the store and bought three tests.
All three of them came back positive.
AsIsat on the toilet, staring at the third positive test,IknewIhad to do something to turn my life around.Iwas growing new life inside me—IhadKor’sbaby in me, even if it was hisBeastthat had put it there.Hemight be dead, but his son or daughter would live on, andIhad to be the best motherIcould for him or her.
I guess you could say that after thatIstraightened up and got my life together.Idecorated the cottage and actually unpacked—I’dbeen living out of my suitcase up until then.Iwent to the store and got some nutritious ingredients and started making myself eat.Ieven went to a doctor and got some prenatal vitamins.
I wanted to decorate the cottage’s spare room as a nursery, butIwas waiting to find out ifIhad a boy or a girl inside me.Idid go out and buy a lot of children’s books and started reading to my belly every night.Iloved the sing-song cadence of the rhyming books, andIoften lulled myself to sleep, reading to my unborn baby.
The sadness never fully left me, butIlearned not to let it consume me.Korwas gone, but his legacy and theJamisonline would live on.Istill cried at least once a day, andImissed him dreadfully.Iwasn’t sure ifIwas strong enough to be a single mom, butIwanted to try.Itold myself thatIwould find the strength…thoughIwasn’t sure where it would come from.
Gradually,Ibegan living normally again…except there was still a big hole in my life.AholeIknew no one and nothing would ever be able to fill.
And then, one day,Iwent to the farmer’s market.
FIFTY-FIVE
VIVIENNE
I went becauseIheard they had fresh peaches and one of my cravings lately was for fresh peach pie.
I’d been having a lot of crazing cravings in my third month—pickles dipped in hot fudge sundaes, deviled eggs topped with grape jelly, and rare roast beef made into a sandwich usingFrenchtoast as the bread, just to name a few.Itfelt like the craving for fresh peach pie was at least semi-normal and so, despite wanting to sleep in,Idragged myself up on aSaturdaymorning near the end of my first trimester to go to the local farmer’s market to try and get the peaches.
The market was held in a grassy square in the middle of town and was already crowded by the timeIarrived.Familiespushed strollers between the rows of booths while older couples examined fresh vegetables and homemade jams.Therewere baskets of apples and tomatoes, jars of local honey, fresh baked bread, and enough flowers to fill a dozen gardens.Theair smelled like sunshine and growing things and fresh coffee from a vendor near the entrance.
For the first time in weeks,Ialmost felt normal.Well, as normal as a pregnant widow could feel, anyway.
My hand drifted automatically to my stomach asIwalked.Iwasn't showing much yet, butIcould feel the slight curve there beneath my sundress.SometimesItalked to the baby whenIwas alone in the cottage.Itold myself it was silly, butIcouldn't help it.Thischild was allIhad left ofKor.Thebaby was proof that what we'd shared had been real and not some beautiful dream that had been ripped away beforeIcould hold onto it.
The thought made my chest ache the way it always did whenIremembered him.
It had been three months, andIstill thought about him every day.Istill woke up reaching for him in the middle of the night.Threemonths andIstill couldn't quite convince myself he was really gone.
I blinked hard and forced myself to focus on the peaches instead.
No crying at the farmer's market,Vivienne,Itold myself firmly.Peoplewill think you've lost your mind.