So we sat across from each other at the long dining room table and talked about nothing important.
"Could you pass the salt?"
"Of course."
"Would you like some more tea?"
"No thank you."
That was about the extent of our conversation.
The easy laughter we'd shared over breakfast felt like something that had happened weeks ago instead of that very morning.Ipicked at my food without really tasting it and noticed thatKorwasn't eating much either.
Finally he pushed his chair back and stood.
"I thinkI'mgoing to swim a few laps," he said.
I nodded.
"That sounds nice."
WhatIwanted to say was,Takeme with you.
WhatIwanted to do was sit by the pool and watch him swim while we bantered andIlet the sunlamp warm my skin.
WhatIwanted washim.Butwanting and having were two very different things.
After he left,Isat at the table for a few more minutes before finally going upstairs.Thehouse felt too large and too empty, and every room seemed haunted by thoughtsIdidn't want to think.
By the timeIgot ready for bed, the sadness had settled into my bones.Mywhole body felt heavy with it.Evenmy breasts ached strangely—a dull soreness that made me frown asIchanged into my nightgown.
I told myself it was nothing—probably just stress.Afterall, the day had certainly given me enough of that.Itwasn’t that surprising thatIwas feeling it in my body and not just my mind.
Climbing into bed alone felt far worse than it should have.Justthe night beforeIhad fallen asleep wrapped safely inKor'sarms.Ihad listened to the steady beat of his heart and felt his warmth surrounding me on every side.
Now the bed felt cold.Itwas too big…too empty.
I lay awake staring at the ceiling for a long time.Mythoughts kept circling back to the same painful truth—Kordeserved more thanIcould ever give him.
He deserved a young woman—a fertile woman—someone who could stand proudly at his side when he becamePackLeaderand give him the heirs everyone expected him to have.Nota middle-aged widow carrying around twenty years of grief and disappointment.Nota woman who had already failed oneAlphaand would only end up disappointing another.
The thought hurt so much thatIpressed my face into the pillow and closed my eyes.Atsome point, exhaustion finally claimed me.
And then the dream came again.
THIRTY-FOUR
VIVIENNE
Once moreIwas running through the woods, and the full moon was high overhead.Icould hear the wolf behind me but this time it was right on my heels.
I knewIshould run—Ishould get away.ButIfound myself slowing untilIwas no longer running.AndthenIwas no longer walking.
And thenIturned and faced the wolf.
Only, it wasn’t a wolf—not likeIhad expected.Oh, it had golden eyes, and it was covered with fur, but it wasn’t on all fours.Instead, it reared above me, standing on its hind legs, its head blocking out the moon above.
I saw its pointed ears, its long muzzle and then its broad, furry chest.Ithad less fur on its muscular abdomen and when my eyes finally slid down to its crotch,Ihad to bite back a gasp.