“Hey, I liked that song,” Kai grumps back.
“Yeah, well, the rest of us were damn happy when you moved on from that one.”
I manage to hide my reaction by putting another bite of food in my mouth. Somehow, even with the games I’ve watched him pitch over the last few months, I hadn’t really paid attention tohis song. But as I think back, I realize it’s true. He changed his warm-up song, and knowing that puts a deep ache in my chest.
“It was just a song,” he mutters, then takes another bite of food.
But “Home for a Rest” was more than just a song. At least it was to me. That song was special. A connection between us. Realizing he let go of that hurts. It’s one more weight on my shoulders, adding to the guilt and sadness of how badly we broke when I left.
And judging from the droop in Kai’s posture, the way he won’t look at me, I’m not the only one. The change in the mood is noticeable. I catch Evie and Rhett exchanging looks of confusion and concern. The last thing we need is them asking what the big deal is with a song.
“This chicken is incredible, Rhett, what did you put on it? I can taste cumin and garlic, of course, what else?” I ask brightly, hoping they accept my change in subject.
Rhett stares at his friend for another second before clearing his throat and turning to me. “There’s a healthy splash of a special hot sauce my mama sends up from Tennessee, a few other ingredients, and some butter.”
I take another bite, nodding as I notice the subtlety of the flavours melding together. “It’s really good. Kai was wrong when he said you weren’t good in the kitchen.” I quirk a smile, earning a chuckle from Rhett.
“Thanks, Isabelle.”
For several minutes, there’s nothing but the sound of cutlery against our plates as we all focus on eating.
The rest of the evening is awkward and stilted. It’s clear Rhett and Evie want to say something, their curiosity is evident. But thankfully, they don’t ask what went wrong.
Truthfully, I’m not even sure myself. So Kai changed his pitching warm-up song. A lot of things changed over the last eight years. We’re not the same people we were in college.
Back then, we were two carefree Canadian kids falling in love, thinking they had the world in front of them. Only our lives were on totally different trajectories and we didn’t even know it. Until I veered off course and ripped us apart.
The drive home to Kai’s apartment, where I parked my rental car, is quiet. It’s only when he parks in his spot, right next to my car, and shuts off the engine that I finally speak.
“Why did you change your warm-up song?”
He exhales, leaning his head back against the leather headrest.
Several seconds go by before he answers. Seconds where I try to steel myself for his answer, even though I know what he’s going to say. I’d have to be a fool not to realize he changed it because of me. Still, I need to hear him say it.
“Because I couldn’t take being reminded of you every fucking time I went to the mound. It was bad enough I had your initials on all of my hats. Hearing that song? It brought back too many memories. Too many feelings.”
Even anticipating his answer, it’s somehow worse hearing him say it. Then he digs the knife in deeper.
“You broke me when you ended it. For days I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t pitch worth shit. My coach pulled me aside a week later and told me if I didn’t figure it out, I’d lose my shot at everything. And I couldn’t let my dreams go just because you were gone. They were all I had left. I pushed down the hurt, threw myself into the game, and registered for the draft the next week.”
He rolls his head to the side, and the heartache glimmering in his gaze stabs me in the heart.
“Baseball is who I am now. It’s the most important thing in my life, other than my family. I promised myself back then that I’d never lose sight of that. No matter what.”
Tears fill my eyes. But what right do I have to be upset about anything that changed for Kai over the time we were apart?
Any discomfort I’m feeling, any sadness or loss, it’s my fault. I might have had a valid reason for doing what I did back then, but the responsibility for how it affected us both lies fully on my shoulders.
And I know I need to take a long, close look at what’s happening between us now. I broke him once. I can’t break him again.
Chapter thirty
Kai
I hate this.
It’s been four days since that damn dinner at Rhett and Evie’s place. That fucking dinner with that fucking conversation about warm-up songs.