Lucy’s eyes fill slightly, but she nods.
“One step at a time,” I add, more to myself than to her. “That’s all I can manage right now.”
She exhales slowly, squeezing my hand again. “Well,” she says, her voice lighter, “me and your dad will be down all the time. Starting this weekend.” I glance up, surprised. “I’ll be back Friday through to Sunday,” she continues. “You can give me the grand tour of that ridiculous apartment of his.”
A small smile tugs at my lips. “The cock extension apartment?” I tease. That’s enough to drag a laugh from her.
At exactly six o’clock, Ray appears in the doorway, like clockwork.
I grab my bag, but before I can lift it properly, he steps forward and takes it from me without a word. I don’t argue, he likes to play the gentleman, even though we both know it’s an act most of the time.
“Thanks,” I mutter anyway.
I say my goodbyes to the nurses, forcing smiles as they wish me luck. Their eyes linger a little too long, like they’re not entirely convinced I’m ready to leave. Maybe I’m not, but I can’t stay here another night.
The air feels different the moment we step outside, like I can finally breathe again.
The drive back to his apartment is quiet, uncomfortably so. But I don’t have the energy to force polite conversation. Even after all that rest, I’m exhausted.
I stare out of the window, watching London blur past, my thoughts racing ahead of me.
There’s so much I want to say, so much I need him to understand. That I’m not broken. I’m not unstable. I’m just . . . hurting. But every version of the conversation I play out in my head sounds wrong, like speaking it out loud will make me a little more vulnerable.
“Your silence is too loud,” he says eventually.
I glance at him, a small smile pulling at my lips. “Just processing,” I reply.
He nods. “I’ve taken a couple days off,” he says after a moment.
I turn to him, my eyes narrowed in confusion. Ray doesn’t take time off. I study his profile, trying to figure out if he’s serious.
“I thought we could start again,” he adds. “Get to know each other properly. No interruptions. No outside noise.”
My stomach squeezes. Starting again sounds so simple, but there’s something in his voice. His tone dipping slightly, like he’s talking to someone delicate and breakable. Getting to know me is probably way down on his list, him assessing me is right at the top. Keeping me close so he can decide if I’m fit enough to keep this baby.
I look back out of the window, my reflection staring back at me. “I don’t want this to be about fixing me,” I say softly.
“It’s not,” he replies immediately.
“It feels like it,” I admit.
There’s a pause before he adds, “I’m just trying to fix the parts I broke,” he says. He keeps his eyes on the road, and we fall back into silence for a few minutes.
“What about Sebastian?” I ask, keeping my tone neutral.
“He’s with Catherine for a couple days,” Ray replies. “She’s taken him to the seaside.”
I nod slowly, staring ahead.
So, we’re alone.
The thought settles uncomfortably in my chest. I shift in my seat, folding my arms. “We need to be clear on a few things.”
Ray glances at me briefly. “Go on.”
“I’m not here because I want to be,” I say, keeping my voice steady. “You made it pretty clear it wasn’t optional.”
His jaw tightens slightly, but he doesn’t argue. “You needed looking after,” he says.