“I know you’re going to be angry,” she says, her voice trembling now. “God, I can already see your face. You’re pacing, yeah? Swearing. Blaming everyone but me.”
Another laugh rips from me, almost choking me with emotion.
“I need you to stop that.”
There’s a beat of silence before she continues.
“I’m tired, Ray.”
The words are so quiet, I almost miss them.
“So fucking tired.”
My chest aches.
“I tried,” she continues, a little stronger now, like she needs me to believe her. “I really did. For you. For Sebastian. For all of it. You made this last year . . . bearable. You did that. Not Luke. Not anyone else. You.”
Her voice cracks. “But it’s not enough.” She exhales. “I wake up every day and can’t feel anything below my chest,” she whispers. “I can’t move. I can’t run. I can’t even hug my own son when he cries. Do you know what that does to a person?”
I close my eyes.
“Everyone keeps telling me I’m strong,” she says. “That I’m brave. That I’ll adapt.” She releases a bitter laugh. “I don’t want to adapt.”
It’s followed by more silence.
“I don’t want this life.”
I stuff my hands in my pockets and focus on the people moving on the streets below. I’m jealous of them, jealous they’re not here having to listen to this.
“I sit here and watch everyone come and go. Living. Laughing. Touching. Loving. And I’m just . . . stuck. Trapped in this body that doesn’t belong to me anymore.” Her breathing picks up. “I can’t do it, Ray. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay just to make you feel better.”
Her voice steadies slightly, like she’s moving on to more important things.
“I did something,” she says quietly.
My stomach drops, and I brace myself for her confession.
“And you’re going to hate me for it, but I need you to understand why.”
There’s another shift, then the next word slips out, her tone hard.
“Luke.” She gives an empty laugh. “Luke was never going to stop. Not with Sebastian. Not with me. He doesn’t love either of us, Ray. He never did. He just . . . takes. And takes. And takes until there’s nothing left.”
My hands curl into fists. “So, I gave him what he wanted.” She waits a beat before adding, “I told him I needed him. That I wanted to see him. That I was ready to fix things.”
My heart is pounding now.
“And you know Luke, all arrogance and fake smiles. For the first time, I saw him for what he was. And you were so right, Ray. He couldn’t wait to whisper poison in my ear. To tell me how I’ve failed Seb, how I can’t offer him the life he needs. He was right there, helping me decide my fate, and I let him believe he was the one to plant the seed.” She laughs again. “He really thought he still had that kind of power over me.”
There’s a cold, broken laugh that doesn’t even sound like her. “He has no idea what I’ve done.”
Martha is sobbing now, her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking, and I daren’t even look at Dale.
“Wynter tried to stop me,” Anika continues, “which put a spanner in the works. After she let him in, which I’m certain you already know, she was conflicted, and I just knew she wasn’t going to do it again. She felt loyalty to you.”
I freeze.
“So, don’t you dare blame her for this.” The words are stronger now. Commanding. “This was me, Ray. All me.” She clears her throat. “And so, I had to go behind your back some more and have Luke hire a carer. He called and cancelled my usual nurse, then hired someone he knew to pose for the night. Her job was to let him in then leave us alone.”