You don’t have to feel anymore.
My fingers twitch.
For half a second, the floor feels like it shifts beneath me, and I’m about to fall back into that place where everything is decided for me before I can even think—
But this time, I catch it.
Notafter. Not when I’malreadydrowning in it. Right there, at the edge.
I exhale slowly, reminding myself that none of it is a threat to me right now. No restraints digging into my wrists, rubbing skin off. No voice forcing me into something I’m not.
“No,” I murmur under my breath.
Rafe doesn’t ask what I’m responding to. He just keeps walking.
I turn slightly, checking for her without even thinking about it.
Help, baby, I don’t want to drown again.
Emma is a few steps behind us, standing near the end of the aisle, her fingers brushing over a stack of ramen noodles like it’s far more serious than it is.
A smirk pulls at my mouth as I move toward her, forcing the anxiety down. “Ramen? Really? You’re doing this?”
She snorts, playfully punching my arm. Her skin is still a little flushed from when I fucked her about ten minutes ago. “You know Micah would have our heads if we didn’t bring it back.”
A real smile spreads across my face as I watch her decide between brands, like it actually fucking matters. It’s such a small, normal thing—and it shouldn’t feel this significant, but it does. Because I’m here for it. Because I almostwasn’t.
When she looks up at me again, something in me stills. My throat tightens as I hold her gaze longer than I would have yesterday. Longer than I thought I could. And nothing happens. Nothing’s trying to claw its way back in. There’s no pain, distortion, or voice twisting what I feel into something else.
It’s just…her.
The only woman I’ve ever loved. The one who should have already been my wife. The one who should’ve been loving our child instead of fighting to pull me back from the edge of death. A thought slips in quietly.
Maybe I am not just what was done to me. Maybe I can be more. For her.
Emma smiles at me then, so soft and beautiful. She has always been able to read me too well. That used to bother me. Now, it just feels like we are destined to love one another. Maybe that’s how I find my way back, because I thought I was going to die.
I almost did.
My heart skips as another memory crashes into me. The glass pressed to my throat, the edge of it slicing just enough to promise release. My body reacts before my mind can fully go there, a small flinch I can’t quite stop.
If Adrianahadn’t—
I cut it off. I can’t go there. I can’t hate myself for almost ending it all right there. I reach for Emma’s hand instead, threading my fingers through hers as she drops the ramen into Rafe’s cart.
“I’m good,” I say, more to myself than anyone else. Even if I am genuinely unsure how I’ll ever escape these memories. I hold onto her hand a little tighter, and she squeezes back. My eyes suddenly burn, so I glance over my shoulder to keep her from seeing. I’m not the same man she once fell in love with. And I don’t know if she’ll still love me after all of this. But I hope so.
***
We finally make it back to the cabin, and I feel like I can breathe again.
“We’re back!” Emma calls out as we walk in, holding up a particular bag. “And I brought ramen.”
Micah looks over at her, and instead of his expected happy expression, it’s concern.
Oh, fuck.
Adela doesn’t even greet us. She’s already halfway turned toward her laptop, her fingers hovering over the keys like she’s deciding how to say something she knows we’re not going to like.