“Hey, Lily-pad,” Ash said, kneeling down to her level.“I brought you something.”He presented the giraffe with a little flourish, making Lily giggle.
“She’s beautiful,” Lily declared, accepting the gift with reverent hands.“I’m going to name her Spots.”She hugged the stuffed toy closely.
“Spots is a perfect name,” Ash agreed solemnly.
“Will you stay for my bedtime song?”
Ash looked to me for permission, doing his hardest not to overstep when he’d never been one to really care about anyone’s feelings.The man was genuinely trying to get this right with me and Lily.
I nodded, surprising myself with how easily I granted his request.Perhaps it was the exhaustion of the day.I didn’t want to argue with Ash.Not about Lily.If he wanted to be part of her life and Lily’s mental or physical health weren’t at risk, I’d never keep them apart.
After helping with her bath and making sure she brushed her teeth, I tucked Lily into bed like I did every night.I sat next to her and sang her lullaby.I’d made it up when she was just a baby.There was no doubt Ash remembered when I saw him blinking back tears as he watched Lily’s eyelids droop sleepily.
Once she’d drifted off, I dimmed her lamp -- she’d taken to wanting a nightlight since the first time Winters took her -- and pulled her door partway shut.I slept with my door open so I’d hear her if she needed me, but I didn’t want light or noise from the living room to disturb her.
Ash and I moved to the coffee table.Silence stretched uncomfortably until Ash cleared his throat.
“I should have been there,” he said.“For you and Lily.”The simple admission hit me with unexpected force.Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, but I blinked them away, unwilling to cry after such a long, emotional day.
“Yes, you should have,” I agreed, no heat in my words, just tired truth.“But you’re here now and we appreciate the support.”
“I made everything worse when I came back,” he continued, his voice roughening with emotion.“I just kept fucking up.”He glanced toward Lily’s room and lowered his voice.“Sorry.Messing up.”
I almost smiled at his self-correction.“You did,” I acknowledged.“But you were trying to protect her in your way.”I scrubbed my hands over my face.“We both want what’s best for Lily.She’s what’s important.”
Ash nodded, watching me organize the materials.“How are we going to do this?Co-parenting, I mean.”The question hung between us.I considered my words carefully.
“You can see her whenever you want,” I said finally.“But I need stability for her, especially now.No disappearing again, Ash.No more choosing your friends over your daughter.And she stays with me.”
“Of course.”Ash nodded emphatically, his gaze steady.“I know I have a lot to prove, but I’ll be here.I’ll do anything.I’ll be with her at every doctor’s appointment.You won’t carry this alone anymore.”
We talked for another hour.Catching up.Having conversations we should have had before Ash got arrested.
Before he left, Ash reached over and grasped my hand.“I know you have feelings for Cash.”I sucked in a breath.I’d been expecting this conversation but had no idea what to say or even how Ash would react.“It’s OK,” he said, waving me off.“I actually approve.By all accounts, Cash is a great guy.And I will be forever grateful for the way he comforted Lily.She likes him too.”Ash flashed me a grin.
“She likes you too, Ash.”I sighed.“I don’t know what I want with Cash.I need to focus on Lily now, but I’m not going to lie and pretend I don’t have feelings for him.I just… don’t know exactly what they are yet.”
Ash held my gaze steadily.“Yeah, you do.”Then he left.
I stood in the silent apartment for several seconds, kind of at a loss on what to do.I cleaned up the coffee table and stacked all the reports and literature I’d been given in a pile to look at after I’d rested.
Tonight I needed to reset my mind and, more importantly, my mindset.I needed to focus on moving forward rather than looking back.I had a plan.The women of Kiss of Death had become the most solid support system anyone could ask for, so I had backup.The only real question hanging over me right now had been brought front and center by Ash.
So, howdidI feel about Cash?Contrary to what I’d said earlier, I kind of felt like I needed to make the decision to either talk to Cash and find out if my attraction and deeper feelings went both ways, or cut him out of my life.If I did the latter, Lily would be robbed of a positive male influence she would need.If I talked to him and he didn’t feel the same way, I didn’t think I could handle seeing him, especially when he found a woman.
Fuck.Maybe I had more than just feelings for Cash.
Chapter Fourteen
Eliza
I stood in the doorway of Lily’s room, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she slept.Mr.Flopsy was tucked securely under one arm and her new giraffe, Spots, nestled against her cheek.For the first time in weeks, her face looked completely peaceful, unmarked by the fear and confusion shadowing her since Ms.Winters had taken her away.The dim glow of her nightlight cast soft shadows across the room.I lingered there, needing the sight of my daughter, peaceful in her bed.Quietly, I pulled the door halfway closed and leaned my forehead against the wall.
My fingers trembled slightly as I dialed Pippa’s number.She answered on the second ring.
“Hey, Eliza.Everything OK?”Her voice held immediate concern.
“Yes,” I whispered, moving farther from Lily’s door.“I just need to go out for a bit.Could you come sit with Lily?”