Ash let Ryder steer him out of the kitchen, but he stopped them before they got to the back door that led out to the pool. Instead, Ash switched directions, heading toward Eli’s office with Ryder on his heels.
Ash wasn’t ready to go back out there yet. Out there was full of happy couples pawing at each other without fear or thought or hesitation. There was Chase and Killian all cuddled together on their lounger, or Noah draped over Eli at every opportunity. Even Faith and Liz, who weren’t major PDA offenders, held hands every now and again.
Ash should be able to do that. He should be sprawling over Spencer on a lounger, or wrapping Ryder’s big arm around himself. He should be able to holdboththeir fucking hands without anyone saying shit. Why didn’t he get to have that?
Oh, right. Because of his own damn choices.Hewas the one who’d insisted on secrecy.Hewas the one who’d wanted to draw this out without any outside voices interfering.
It had felt like the right choice at the time, hadn’t it? Ash knew his head wasn’t exactly on straight with all these presentation hormones running through him. And he’d thought Spencer would need time to … acclimate. That without brothers or besties sticking their noses in, maybe he’d take the opportunity to realize there was something real and good here.
But all it seemed to have done was give Spencer time to draw away.
It had been a knot in Ash’s stomach all week, this fear that Spencer was done with them, that he wouldn’t give them any more of a chance to plead their case than any of his other hookups. It had all seemed to be going so well, and then it just … hadn’t been anymore. Spencer—who always jumped at the opportunity to hang with anyone—was suddenlybusy.Working.
And now he was spouting all this nonsense about confusion and “too nice.”
When the hell had anyone ever accused Ash of being too nice? He was never too nice. Everyone knew that. It wasRyderwho’d been fucking Spencer like he was made of spun glass.
Ash marched into Eli’s office and whirled on Ryder, but the alpha just shook his head. “I’m not your target, bright eyes.”
Ash crossed his arms with a scowl. “What was he going on about? What’s his deal?”
Ryder’s lips quirked into a small smirk. “He’s caught feelings, and he doesn’t know what to do about them. It’s time to have a real conversation, ready or not.”
Ash stared at him. Somehow that hadn’t been what he’d expected Ryder to say. “He has? Feelings? You’re sure?”
Ash couldn’t tell if that lessened his anxiety or made it that much worse. His own emotions were all mixed up in this preheat hormonal garbage. How was someone supposed to know how to feel when their skin was too tight and too hot all the time? Itmade thinking difficult. Mostly Ash just felt … annoyed. And sad. And a little bit horny.
Ryder pressed a cool hand to Ash’s forehead. “We should head out.”
Ash shook his head violently, dislodging Ryder’s touch. “No. Not yet.”
He knew he was being stubborn, maybe even petulant. He’d already barked at Noah for no reason. He should go home and rest like Ryder was suggesting, prepare himself for this next heat.
But Ash couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave knowing Spencer would stay behind, and then who knew when they’d get him to themselves again?
It was wrong. Ash needed to be here. With him. Withthem. His alphas.
He lowered his eyes, hoping Ryder wouldn’t see the feverish glint there. “You head back out. I’ll follow in a minute, get back in the pool or something.”
“You’re sure?”
Ash stood on his toes and pressed a kiss to Ryder’s lips. He didn’t miss the flash of surprise that crossed Ryder’s face at the gesture. Fuck, Ash should do this more often—kiss Ryder for no reason. He didn’t know why the hell he was always holding back with the people he wanted most.
“I’m sure.”
With one last skeptical glance, Ryder left, and Ash busied himself by poking around Eli’s bookshelves and fiddling with his knickknacks. He didn’t know what he was waiting for exactly, but he scared the shit out of himself when he pulled back Eli’s office chair to find Eli’s cat, Deadly, on the cushion.
Deadly only gave him an unimpressed look before licking at her own paw.
“Sorry, pretty girl,” Ash cooed. He’d always liked cats. They could be unpredictable and vicious, and that deserved respect. “Just need another minute in your space.”
“She doesn’t mind. Not unless you try to move her.”
Ash turned with a start to find Eli in the office doorway. He looked … happy. Younger than his age, too, all shirtless and flushed from the sun, his dark hair damp and messy.
Ash shifted in place. He wasn’t always fully comfortable with Eli, which was his own damn fault. Ash had acted like a jerk when they’d first met, all afraid some creepy professor was taking advantage of his too-good brother. Eli had gotten over it before Noah, but it still gave Ash twinges of regret. And since he didn’t usually regret being an asshole, it was an awkward feeling.
“Um. Is it okay that I’m in here?”