He lifts me off of him and stands. "I can’t sugar coat some of what I feel about the shit in those journals Jen. I can’t sugar coat it because I refuse to give you less than the truth." He looks around until he sees the joint Noah gave him and lights it. "Be sure you want to talk about it all."
Cal
I thought I would have more time to ponder everything in those books and now I am on the spot and I have no choice but to go with it and pray I can still keep her loving me when I am done.
"I let you inside of my soul, my thoughts and fears, everything I felt. I won’t accept less than that Cal."
I light the joint and pull in a huge drag before looking at her again. "There is no reason you should love me Jen. None what so ever. I don’t deserve it and in the same breath I thank God you do."
"Cal-" She tries to talk but I cut her off.
"I can’t tell you I didn’t see you or want you. I did and the last time you left my bus, after I treated you so awful- fuck! I said shit that no woman deserves to hear and I left you to go fuck two other bitches that night!" I throw the joint in the fire, it isn’t helping.
"I went and fucked two chicks right after, unaware that what I said, how I acted..." I can’t even look at her for my shame. "Those books brought up other shit too, shit I have buried for years. All that shit is what made treating you like hell okay."
She closes her eyes and she knows what I mean. "Everything I did with other men?" She asks and I laugh darkly.
"My friends Jen. That is the one thing I hated you the most for back then."
"I know. I knew then and it was why I did it. I needed something to tell me you missed me. It wasn’t right, it was foul to do it and I won’t give you an excuse."
Sometimes I want to wring her neck, sometimes I want to kiss her. Fuck me... "Jen I wish I could tell you my every thought or feeling so that you knew I always missed you like you gave me. My feelings changed and morphed into something ugly when I committed to Tayla. I talk all this hard shit like I fought for her and bore my soul. I didn’t. I didn’t tell her about how shitty a person I was inside and out. I didn’t tell her how I treated you when you were in Idaho and alone. I didn’t tell her, 'Hey babe, I fucked Jenny Pope a while back and left her to fish out the condom when I fucked two more Randoms that night.' I never did because I don’t think I changed for the best until you."
I scrub my face and just keep spilling this horrible shit to her. "I bad mouthed you, I tore you down." I reach for her hand and try to give some form of reason though there isn’t one. "I was innocent once. That kid that taught you to give head, that kid you called for when your world fell apart, he loved you. It isn’t what you had for me, hell I didn’t even see it that way back then. But I loved you and there was nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you from being sad."
She has tears in her eyes and reaches for the bottle of wine beside her on the concrete. I take it and pour it for her and wait until I have her eyes again.
"I never told anyone what I am about to tell you. It isn’t eloquent or special. It is ugly and it was my turning point between us."
She nods and wipes her tears; a shaking hand holds the glass to her lips.
"That night you fucked Noah on the beach?" I ask and she squeezes her eyes shut at the truth of my words. I want to comfort her and I will when I get to the softer shit, but right now I will confront this. "I followed you guys. I didn’t think that you would fuck him. I actually thought you would be crying over me. I was gonna tell him to leave and tell you I wanted you. I didn’t know how I would do it or what to say, I just knew it was what I wanted."
I look away as I get a beer from my fridge by the outdoor kitchen before finishing. "I found you guys by the reeds and I listened to all of it."
I see her hands go to her mouth, trying to hide the awful painful sound that escaped. She sobs, and other than the night she told me about her rape, I have never seen her so hurt. "I didn’t know..." She cries and I can’t help but take her into my arms once I am back to the couch.
"I know, me too." I say and I mean it. "Sorry isn’t enough Jenny, not even close but it is all I have to start with."
"After that, things were different. I figured Noah said something." She says and holds me tighter.
"No, he was never one for bragging. If you didn’t see it or were there, he was a vault."
She cups my face and looks at me. "If I ever would have thought we stood a glimmer of a chance it never would have happened Cal. I know I am a fuck up, but you were bigger than any one thing in my life."
"Any time I was rude about it or egged it on, it was me and my ego. When they were there, I did everything I could to have your focus on me. When you were with them I convinced myself, you were thinking of me."
I wipe the wetness from under her eye and lick the pad of my thumb. "Listen close here. I hand delivered you into that hell knowing full well you were chasing me. Shitty way to get my attention, no doubt about it, but I have a part in it. We all made it okay for you to be that girl Jen. By the time you were lost, I was the first to degrade you and hold it against you. I will never be a better person than you Jen, then or now."
"For what it is worth Caly, I never meant to hurt you. Never." She is so determined to ensure I believe her.
"I did mean to hurt you Jen. I wanted you and I hated you for it. It was innocent once and all of that..." I tug her hair to keep her eyes on me. "All of it was real and innocent and sweet." I kiss her sweetly on the lips. "I look back all the time and wonder what I missed with Axe and I get pissed, but I know that how it worked is how it worked and I am glad he is healthy thriving and awesome. I have read the birth reports from the hospital, I verified the reports from DCFS and Red, you fucked up a lot, but the worst thing that he was exposed to was sleeping in a car seat, being on the bus a few weeks before I got him and taking him there... that night."
"I know." She cries and I feel like an asshole for laying it out there for her, but if I don’t it will fester.
"I know you are sorry and remorse is a bitch is small doses, so I can imagine the hell you feel by it. But, you want to know why I can work through it?"
She nods and lights a smoke as she finishes her wine.