“I’m almost finished.” The guy inside of me says and his friend laughs. “I am cumming in this dirty pussy bitch then my buddies here will when I am done.”
They came in me the first time as well. Now he was back for more and my body was on fire from the pain. I didn’t have the right to cry about it though. I came here, with my son looking for a high. I knew that the price would be sexual so maybe it isn’t rape, but it is horrifying that something this grotesque proves I am the last thing Axe needs in his life.
I swear to God that I will walk away and leave him with his dad if God gets him out of here safely.
My prayers are answered when the guy finishes inside of me, I gag knowing that he could give me an STD or even another unwanted pregnancy. I would go to the clinic after this was over and Axe was safe. I just wanted him safe.
He is screaming now and refusing to stop no matter my attempts to soothe him. The guy who just got off of me buttoned his jeans and grabbed his jacket while his friend stood to the side of me groping my breasts roughly. “I wish I took another round with you darlin, but I am too fuckin high to go again.” He leans down close to my face and speaks toward my ear. “I’ll find you again though gorgeous and I will get that second round.”
I feel the vomit coming, a mixture of fear, pain and being high coming full circle as I roll to my side in enough time to puke off the opposite side of the bed from Axe. The guy who was getting ready to take his second turn with me jumped back in enough time to avoid my vomit hitting him.
Offended by this he backhands me across the face and splits my skin just under my eye. I try to sit up, the pain unbearable. I just want to get to my baby and get him out of here safely. I feel my hair in his meaty fist and cry out from the pain as he pulls me off the bed by my hair, landing me by Axe. The putrid feeling of their cum sliding down my legs terrifies me and proves how low I have fallen.
“Take care of that fuckin kid bitch…” He says and drops a few baggies on the bed before following his friend's out. I don’t know what made them leave or why, most likely my vomit or Axe's crying. But they leave and now I can save him.
On my hands and knees, I crawl to Axe and pull him from the car seat and hold him against my chest trying to soothe him. I try to stand, but the pain is unimaginable. I look down and see blood dripping down my legs and know my cheek is bleeding as well. I can feel the various bruises on my jaw, arms, legs and breasts from their abuse… But nothing, fucking nothing hurts me more than knowing how worthless I really am.
I look to the bed and see a gram of coke and two rocks and more blood than I thought. One-hundred buck’s worth of drugs and I paid more than I could imagine.
I didn’t want the fuckin drugs. I left them on the bed. with the evidence of my price paid in full.
“Come on baby…” I say through my sobs as I stand and reach for his car seat. “Momma is going to save you Axe… I’m so sorry baby, so sorry. I am going to take you to your daddy, so I can’t hurt you anymore.”
And I did. I went home to shower and bathe Axe before I took him right to Cal’s parents’ house and said goodbye to him for good.
It was the only good thing I had left to give him.
I have tears flowing from my eyes and there is no way to stop them. I see her fighting, Axe crying... her blood and their cum on my girl and I want to scream. That is what I delivered her too? I don’t fucking deserve her love, not even an ounce. The proof is in this book that we both fucked her life up... but I left her to clean her own mess up and kept myself ten feet higher than her at all times, while keeping her on her knees begging for scraps.
I might have changed to please Tayla, but I see now that Jenny Pope changed me through every course of my life. I was never the better one... here and now I see I am the worse one.
I sat in the chair in my sound room while Jen and Axe slept side by side in my bed. I watched them on the monitor wondering what I could do next. She didn’t want to talk, she wanted me to read them. Either way, she was here and that was a win.
I start playing Hallelujah... singing the tune I know from years and years of respecting it. It is a cold and broken hallelujah, but it is one. I look up as I toy with some rifts, lost in the song and not paying attention to the monitor, I see the red-light flash as Jen enters the code to come in. I am in the sound booth and she is on the other side watching me finish the song. So close but still unable to hear one another.
She starts talking and I laugh and press the green button on my mic. "Green button in front of you there, by the microphone. Gotta press that." I watch as she keeps the knitted grey blanket wrapped around her when she finds the button.
"I said you sound amazing."
I shrug, and I don’t know why, but her thinking I sound good makes me want to sing to her. "How about this one..."
I start playing everything changes by Staind. So sick and tired of covers, but every song Thick as Thieves has done that could tell her what I feel, all were inspired or created for one of the girls.
I sound nothing like Aaron Lewis and even as I play it is on my electric. It speaks to me now, in a way that it wouldn’t have if I hadn’t read all my failures earlier. I close my eyes and play. I play for her to hear the words. I play for myself, that young kid that was biter than the dick I became. I play and hope like fuck she knows how sorry I am.
By the time I finish the song I open my eyes to see her nodding as tears hers. "Come here Red." I say and set my guitar aside as she enters the room. I pull her between my legs and hold her. I don’t know if the tears are for the song and the intent behind it, or the fact I know everything now.
"I am so sorry firefly." I say and kiss her on the temple and hope that we aren’t ruined forever.
Jen
I lay awake beside Cal in my bed down the hall from he and Axe. Axe fell asleep in Cal's bed earlier and after the silence in the studio we came up here. No kissing, no touching... he got in the bed and looked at me while lifting the bedding beside him.
"Stay with me Jen, just lay here." He said and I didn’t argue or fight him. I wanted to know what he was thinking. Had he read them all? Was he getting ready to argue his side? Did he remember how pure we were back then? Fear over took any sensible conversation though. I didn’t know what he thought or he thought anything, and for now I didn’t want to know.
I curled my back into his chest and he held me for hours until sleep claimed us both. Now I lay here wide awake and just want answers, to anything. I slip from the bed and grab my grey blanket and make my way to his studio.
I curl up on the blanket and reach for the journal the closest to where he had played. It is split and laying facedown and I see the last entry he read and tears shed when I drop the book and cover my mouth.
I hadn’t thought as I packed the journals that this one would matter. I