What, the actual fuck? I can usually joke through anything and I can be serious when it calls for it. Cal, just said some monstrous deep shit and I am kinda scared by it.
"Hey buddy, is Cal inside? I need to talk to him." I say busting his balls and he laughs before flipping me off.
"Dude, I get it. I'm not the most emotional guy. Shit changed with Axe. I saw things different." He looks unsure of what to say, but does anyway. "I know you and Jenny are tight, but I think of Axe and what could have been had…"
I am nodding, fast and sure. "I am tight with Jen, but that's for you and T to handle. I get your fear, I don't think Jen was or could ever have been anything like Cody. Her worst choices, though skewed came from a place of love. Cody's came from hate."
He nods and seems to breathe easy. "So tell me about dear old daddy. Shouldn’t he be dead yet? Thought cops got the shit end in prison?"
I tell him the story and he laughs at the end. "You realize how bad ass you are right? I know you’ve taken some serious shit this tour, but I'm proud of you Noah. I never doubted you, other than the night I left you to figure it out. When Tay told me you went? One of the happiest days of my life. I knew you'd kill it." He drinks from his beer and sighs. "You have been handed some shitty hands, but you play em' to your advantage. It's smart and I commend you for always fighting."
I nod, strum a little and let him chat. He has a point he needs to get to and I am cool waiting him out. "Thanks man, it's nice to hear. I am struggling with that lately."
"You gonna be okay?" He asks, and he sounds like Carrie. Fierce concern.
I smile. "Bro, nothings taken me down yet."
"Wanna go talk to her?"
Whoa, what?
"What?"
"Carrie told her to stay, she's playing peacemaker with Cassa and Jen." He laughs and I feel for Bright on that one.
I set my guitar down, because now I have something to say. "That… Fuck… Ya know…" I don't know where to start.
He laughs. "That bad huh?"
"Alright look, can I be real for a minute?" I can't believe I am gonna admit this shit, but maybe it'll help with the boulder on my chest.
"Yeah, I ain't a talker dude, so this shits cool to stay right here."
I know he is right, and maybe it's why I tumble the words out. "I, fuck I love her. I do. I never told her, don't know how and honestly I kinda just hoped she knew. When she said she didn't trust me, that she couldn’t… I lost it. All that hope love and happiness I went looking for, put myself through hell for? Dude it was like she hit me with a car."
"She say why?" He asks and drinks his beer. I stand and pace again similar to how I did when I got in the room. He hands me my beer and I drink it in deep pulls.
"I ain't typical. That's why. She has the same issues you guys do, no matter what I do or say, you guys see needles and death. She told me my track record was shit, which it is, I made some fucked up choices, but she wasn't there for them." I let him see my frustration and pulled at my hair.
Girl was driving me crazy.
"She thought I was asking her to come with me to get high." I look at him and catch the second beer he throws me. "I wanted to know she trusted in me, so I could take her with me when I faced Cody."
"Fuck." He says.
"Right." I agree.
"By the time I got to the airport I was fried, it all hit. Cody, Bright, all the tour bullshit, all the tension. I just broke."
"Is there a flipside to it all?"
"Fuck if I know, I'm still stuck in the bad place."
He stands and looks around and then to me. "So come on and find the flipside. She's upstairs. Face it and see what you get from it. Best thing I ever did was chase Tay down and stay until she caved. Brights doing that same shit so gave save the poor girl and cave."